Wanted! Don't care how; we want it now. And we ask in the classifieds.

For many years, famous singer/humanitarian upstart Bono has lamented that he hasn't found what he's looking for. And while, it seems, he has found any number of bizarre wraparound sunglasses, this elusive thing still taunts and teases him. But couldn't anyone -- The Edge, perhaps -- have turned Bono's head to the classifieds? Larry Mullen, what's your excuse?

Ah, the wanted section. It's where all your needs, from experiment subjects to Cubs tickets to crusty sugar bowls*, can be asked for. With the air of a petulant child, à la Veruca Salt, you can demand, demand and maybe if you are quite lucky, good, and pure, your request will be fulfilled.

Boxes?
I am moving next week and could really use some boxes. Does anyone have some they want to get rid of? I'd be happy to pick them up (within Chicago) and take them off your hands. (Craig's List, wanted)

Bud, I'm right there with you. I've moved nine times in eight years. Even though I believe I've found a place to hang my corset for a while, I still have a hard time parting with my "good" boxes. You know what I mean. I may stay in this house until the day I die, but I don't want to part with my sturdy-side, reinforced bottom, perfect-for-two-stacks-of-books-side-by-side boxes. Don't even bring up those shitty grocery store numbers.

This post, or its equivalent, shows up every day.

I Need A Punching Bag
I'm looking for a punching bag for under 50.00. I cant drill any holes in the ceiling so I'm looking for a free standing one such as the wavemaster ones..If you have any info, please let me know. Thank you!! -Jessica (Craig's List, wanted)

Look at the beauty of that headline. She asks -- nay, demands -- a punching bag! I surmise that the fair Jessica is neither a spurned girlfriend beefing up for revenge nor a trixie trying to shed her baby fat. I posit that poster Jessica has an unhealthy obsession with my main man LL Cool J and his "I'm Gonna Knock You Out" video. She's all taped up and ready to go, but don't call it a comeback.

GERMAN NATIVE IS looking for French native to exchange free lessons with. If interested call Olaf for more information 312-XXX-XXXX. (Chicago Reader, wanted)

Oom-pah-pah, oom-pah-pah. This is Olaf! I am out of the house right now, but if you are a French lady who wants to exchange the lessons with the handsome Olaf, then please leave a message when the machine goes beep. Beep! No, that was me! OK, beep is coming.

Olaf. This is Mignon. You will listen to me. I am French! And I want to teach you a lesson. You dirty, dirty German! Meet me at my house tomorrow night. Bring the following: two Toblerone, a beef tallow candle, and your dirty German tongue. Mignon is going to teach you to speak.

MENTHOL SMOKERS EARN $50 for a 25 minute opinion interview. We are looking for people 21-34 years old who smoke menthol cigarettes as their usual brand. 312-XXX-XXXX. (Chicago Reader, wanted)

Wait, did you say $50? Wow, suddenly I'm a menthol smoker. What do you want to know? Why, perhaps, do I smoke the menthols? Because nothing makes my day quite like nicotine with the refreshing kiss of Retsyn.

And all of these ads lead me to one and only one question: Who reads 'em? Besides your favorite Gapers columnista, who is cruising the wanted section? Fairy godmothers hoping for a wish to grant? Menthol smokers with a meth jones? Like a sugared-up six-year-old, wanted ads make pinball shifts from need to need. And, like we all learn as we grow up, almost nothing comes that easy.

* I shit you not, homeslice. Some dude a while back actually put out an ad seeking crusty sugar bowls. On Craig's List, of course. Bunch of savages in this town.