Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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It?s that time again. It happens every few months. Something goes a little funky at my office and suddenly, I start wondering if this is the right job for me, or at least the right place.

And while I?m not so unhappy that I?ll leave right now, it?s fun to dream about what I?d do instead. That?s where the Sun Times Business Classifieds come in handy. From pyramid schemes to bars, outright scams and vending machine companies, the Sun Times offers the disenchanted office worker myriad opportunities to get out into the word, typically in a blue-collar situation.

Halal Fast Food Rest.(Fish, Steak, Pizza) on S. Side. Make $30K mo $75K - Price Neg. 773-XXX-XXXX

Carlotta flipped through the paper, crumbing a scone all over it. This ad caught her eye. Mainly because of the large dough factor.

?Sweets, what?s hah-lall? Is it like Popeye?s?? she asked her boyfriend the CPA, diligently going through his father?s tax return at the dining room table.

He barely heard her question, but heard her ridiculous mispronunciation and added it to the mental tally of all of her embarrassing social mistakes. Like the time she wore a very deep-cut dress at his company?s summer party.

?Huh-lall. It?s like Kosher but for Muslims,? he said.

Carlotta moved on to the ad about the salon for rent. ?Hey, can I cut your hair later??

A Hundred Workers Needed.
Assemble Crafts. Free Info Packet
1-801-XXX-XXXX, 24 hrs

He knew it was too good to be true. Next time, Ignacio wouldn?t call any number for this type of thing unless it was toll-free.

3100 sqft Tire & Alignment Shop-All Modern equipment. Owner retiring. Selling All or Will Lease. Call 708-XXX-XXXX for details.

Beverly highlighted the ad immediately. Not because she was a trained mechanic, but because she always thought about this concept she had for a mechanic shop. It would employ female mechanics. It would not smell like an ashtray. There would be a nice waiting room with fresh coffee and good magazines. Maybe she would even open a little café ®ext door. With wireless.

Beverly didn?t even own a hammer, preferring to nail holes for pictures with the sturdy heel of a $700 Clergerie pump.

Busy Fast Food Rest. on S.Side of Chicago, unlimited pot'l. Serious Buyers Only. $85K. Call Bob

?Hey, Bob. Jonas here. Saw the ad. ?Umlimited potential?? How?s that??

? ? .

?Come again, Bob??


?You?re off your rocker, Bob. No such thing as a magic parking lot. And we?re not anywhere near magnetic north.?

? !

?Sure, I have vision. But not crazy vision.?

$%#@ ? !

?You sonuva bitch. If you talk to your customers that way, why do they keep coming back??

? . ? .

?Sounds good. Sounds goooood. Anybody else know about this secret ingredient?

? .

?Sold! Now let?s talk price!?

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett loves ironing, baking, gardening and being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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