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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Wednesday, June 19

Gapers Block

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In 2004, Wendy McClure and Shylo Bisnett explored the inner recesses of that most holy purveyor of girlish goods — the American Girl Store. Their companion? A G-ed out knock-off American Girl doll from Target who they named Courtney. She accompanied them to the store, felt jealous of the more finely garbed dolls, got drunk during tea, and hooked up with a bi-curious rental doll. But when these ladies who lunch were through, what became of Courtney? Was she cast aside like an old scrunchie? Or was she lovingly adopted and civilized by Shylo or Wendy?

The story continues.

Poor Courtney. Although she's pleased as punch that she no longer has to ho for her keep, she's bored and dusty on Wendy's shelf. "Yeah, yo. Wendy and her boo, Chris, be making' all this vegan food and shit. It stinks like beans up in here all the time," Courtney kvetches. When Courtney's not asking Chris to flip the channel back to "Pants Off, Dance Off," she's nagging Wendy to call up Shylo and take her "somewhere pimp."

But Wendy's been busy, right? Those books don't write themselves, you know? But in late December, Wendy finally gave in to Courtney's loud, marble-mouthed demands and arranged an outing with Shylo.

My Little Pony: World's Biggest Tea Party at the Rosemont Theatre.

Not a donkey show.

At first, Courtney bitched. (Surprise, right? She is the most ungrateful knockoff doll that was ever spat out of an injection molder.) She was all, "Fuck, man. Fuck! You took me to that wack-ass doll store and now you want to take me to drink some tea at a donkey show or whatever?" And then Courtney started compulsively flicking her lighter. Wendy and Shylo explained that it would give Courtney a chance to make some nice friends while enjoying some classic theatre. Plus, they'd buy her a My Little Pony.

Courtney thought they said "pony keg." They had not. When Courtney ripped open the package, she immediately got to work "fucking up that pony" with tattoos, nail polish, hair dye, etc. And instead of using its cutesy, sweetie-pie name, Courtney christened the margarine-hued pony "Butterclump." They pointed out that Butterclump is a gross and stupid name. So in the end, Courtney named it "Natty Lite" as that is her fave brew.

One fucked-up pony.

Meanwhile, Shylo and Wendy did a little creative thinking of their own. It's one thing to take a doll sans enfant to the American Girl store, but it is far more eye-raising to attend a children's theatre event with no kid. A cover story was needed. "So, my daughter Chelsea got sick because she refused to wash her hands and potty paws spread germs," said Shylo. "And she got your daughter Bayleigh sick and they're both home with ringworm and runny noses with that good-for-nothing alcoholic husband of mine."

Shylo, Wendy, Courtney and Natty Lite arrived very early for the show. Courtney finally started to seem excited about the whole thing because Shylo and Wendy showed her a clip of it they found on the Internets. Courtney kept singing a refrain from the song's main theme, "You're cordially invited, I hope you'll be excited..." but threw in a bunch of lame beat-boxing bars and shout-outs to Bacardi and Wet 'n' Wild lip gloss. She kept spitting her rhymes in front of dozens of pink-clad little girls, shivering in the five-degree night. All signs indicated that this was going to be a good night.

In better times.

However, as soon as the doors opened, Courtney screwed the pooch. She immediately demanded that Shylo and Wendy buy her a $10 light-up wand, a t-shirt, pennant, cookie and soda. They pointed out that Courtney had finally, finally weaned herself off methadone and the sugar might bump up her cravings for China White. But they compromised on a half of a cookie and water, but as soon as Courtney gobbled down her first non-vegan, refined-sugar treat, she fucking lost it.

Courtney gets crunk on sugar.

She ran over to kids and pulled their hair.

She saw this poster of Larry the Cable Guy and started screaming, "GIT R DUN, Bitches!"

"Git r done, bitches!"

She tried to break dance and flashed the room.

She punched Natty Lite in the snout and he cried bloody tears.

She shouted "Help, Police!" whenever Shylo or Wendy came near.

She was a total dick.

Finally, Wendy had to lock her in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes to get her to chill out. And once she finished riding the crest of her sugar high, Courtney came out.

They found their seats just in time and Courtney settled in. She looked around at the little girls near them, nudged Shylo and said, "All these mommies bought their fat little kids wands. I'm thin!" and she shot Shylo a toothy smile. This made Shylo pull out her Motorola Q and make a note to talk to Courtney about body image and judging others.

Courtney and Natty Lite, post-sugar high.

The show started. Courtney immediately pointed out that the performers on stage were not real ponies. And they weren't really singing. And their back feet didn't touch the ground! And she was right. The entire show was pre-recorded and featured creepy, bug-eyed alien ponies. And the plot was really transparent. Here's a summary from Courtney. Shylo and Wendy transcribed it to spare you her illegible Crayola scrawl:

"The ponies are bored as hell. They decide to have a tea party at the rich pony's house. They all split up what needs to get done, like invitations and food and shit. The bossy pony forgets to do her own stuff because she's all up in the other ponies' business. So now they're all at the rich pony's house and they don't have tea or a tea pot. Then they wish real hard and a tea pot appears. That is bullshit because you can't do that in real life. I would have asked the rich pony's mom for one because rich people have tea pots."

The Ponies get a teapot.

A touching Pony soliloquy

The Ponies break it down with a seriously gay-seeming dragon.

Shylo and Wendy are going to spare you Courtney's undereducated screed that touches actually does make a few insightful — albeit profane and galloping — observations about the crimes of the patriarchy, class war and animal cruelty. It goes on for pages and is eerily reminiscent of Valerie Solanas' S.C.U.M. Manifesto.

Courtney turns her back on the cult of pink.

Later that night, Courtney stole Chris' MasterCard and hopped on the Web. She purchased the following books: Cunt; Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism, and the Future and The Rose That Grew From Concrete by Tupac Shakur.

Natty Lite asked Courtney to buy some contemporary Christian sheet music and The Moosewood Cookbook.


About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett is a cat person (but not a cat blog person). She is a founding editor at Gapers Block and also writes the Public Notice column. You can find her online at Use Your Hands.

Wendy McClure writes for BUST magazine and on her weblog Pound. She is the author of the books I'm Not the New Me and The Amazing Mackerel Pudding Plan. Her My Litttle Pony Name is "Flinchy."

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