Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, April 1

Gapers Block

Gapers Block on Facebook Gapers Block on Flickr Gapers Block on Twitter The Gapers Block Tumblr


Johnny / June 19, 2007 12:51 AM

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

old enough to know better / June 19, 2007 1:15 AM

Having a beer on the home-bound CTA bus. (And you thought that was coffee in my Intelligentsia coffee cup.)

The beer gets/stays cold in the company frige -- wrapped up, of course. You can tell I really care about my job.

Anon / June 19, 2007 6:55 AM

I speed on the highway, and not like 80 in a 65. More like 115 in a 65.

Sol / June 19, 2007 8:34 AM

I...jaywalk. Belligerently. I'm that asshole that made you brake really hard on a green light on Michigan during rush hour and almost get into a 5 car pile-up.

I also steal pint glasses, knives, and salt shakers from chain restaurants. (Not all at once, though now I want to try.)

no surprise here / June 19, 2007 8:50 AM


Blagg the Axman / June 19, 2007 9:12 AM

Some would say my very existence is a crime, wandering the realm as a marked man, bent on usurping the corrupt rule of the Dark Lord Kayne and his cursed ilk. I prefer to view this as upholding an order of justice—serving the memory of the goodly King Mandrake, whose reign over these lands was fair and true in the days before this blight came to the kingdom. Call me a criminal if you will, but this ax serves a truer law.

spook / June 19, 2007 9:26 AM

Revolution of course!

Expect some minor but important covert actions this summer!

Long live the Movimiento 26 de Julio!

I also walk Truth off leash while sometimes drinking a beer, cause were fearless like that.

spook / June 19, 2007 9:26 AM

Revolution of course!

Expect some minor but important covert actions this summer!

Long live the Movimiento 26 de Julio!

I also walk Truth off leash while sometimes drinking a beer, cause were fearless like that.

mike / June 19, 2007 9:33 AM

Intergalactic cyborg exploitation.

Mikey / June 19, 2007 10:11 AM

Outside of smoking weed, speeding the rare times that I do drive, occasionally riding my bike on the sidewak, and bringing outside alcohol into places like Grant Park for certain events, I'm a fairly upright citizen...

Me / June 19, 2007 10:11 AM

I download music for free. Horrors!

Nuxrs / June 19, 2007 10:18 AM

i sell homemade foie gras from my trunk

Judy / June 19, 2007 10:32 AM

I am an angel.

(and there is no such thing as anonymous anymore)

Andrew / June 19, 2007 10:44 AM

I collect information on people for blackmail purposes.
You should see the things people confess to under the guise of "Anonymous"!

Suckers, they don't know about DSN tracers and the never-disappearing face of the WWW.
They don't call it the "Web" for kciks, people!

Eamon / June 19, 2007 10:45 AM

I find it hard to resist goosing the Prius into the triple digits on 290 when headed to the Cicero Stadium. Speeding is hands-down my biggest vice.

Andrew / June 19, 2007 10:48 AM

Evidently not. Oh well. Be un-anonymous if you want.

G.P. / June 19, 2007 10:50 AM

Mild drug use, plenty of illegal music downloads and almost as much illegal music uploads (gotta give back!)

Many of my preferences when bicycling are probably illegal, too.

I'm sure there are also many women out there who would consider some of my thoughts illegal, and these thoughts have nothing to do with sex.

Andrew / June 19, 2007 10:57 AM

Evidently not. Oh well. Be un-anonymous if you want.

NSH / June 19, 2007 11:02 AM

This thread has FBI sting operation written all over it. Nice try Gaper's Block, I ain't fallin for it.

jen / June 19, 2007 11:10 AM

oh please, who doesn't smoke weed? or speed, at least a little bit?!

other than that, a few weeks ago i passed around some 40s with friends on a friday night after work. yeah, we were "those guys", and we were being none too subtle about it. why should we? i saw a woman in full-on 5:00 rush hour crack a bud light (or maybe it was an MGD?) on the train. classy.

larry / June 19, 2007 11:23 AM

larry is my name, insurance is my game.

raping was another game of mine.

skafiend / June 19, 2007 11:35 AM

Regime change, gun running, human trafficking, drug distribution, wiretapping, money laundering, receiving stolen good, selling stolen goods, jury tampering, witness intimidation, pandering, transporting underage persons across state lines for illicit purposes, inciting prostitution, theft of sacred objects, bigamy and arson.

Oh, and I download music illegally too. And the funny thing is, if I go to jail for any of it, it'll be for the music downloading...

George W / June 19, 2007 11:41 AM

Domestic wire-tapping, torture, holding prisoners without trial, undermining the democratic process, etc.

paul / June 19, 2007 11:44 AM

Absolutely nothing.

I no longer know any dealers, so I haven't seen a bag of dope in years, I don't make enough money anymore for tax evasion, I'm too old and paranoid to participate in the subterranean and urban exploration that was once a hobby, and I've been nailed by cars 3 times, when I wasn't jaywalking so I don't even do that.

But according to the previous summer clothes shopping thread, I'm in voilation of several fashion ordinances, including wearing cargo shorts, (but never sandals).

ann on imus / June 19, 2007 11:51 AM

I used to speed, but since I got the hybrid I feel guilty wasting the gas.

I used to smoke weed, but then I moved away from the ready access I had in the city.

I used to steal books in the office and resell them on amazon, but then I got laid off.

But I still shoot off fireworks every 4th of July, oh yes I do.

Anonymous / June 19, 2007 12:05 PM

I'm a Chicago Alderman.

d. / June 19, 2007 12:31 PM

oh jeez. i really want to write some stuff down here. i guess at some point i knew a few people who did illegal activities, the usual drug related stuff. some got incarcerated.

nonono, im not a troublemaker myself. im dorky. don't get the wrong impression!

anyway i hope you guys enjoy the weather today (i know that's random). but it's nice out so go get yourselves some gelato or something.

Toni / June 19, 2007 12:35 PM

Cat juggling.

kitties a-flyin' / June 19, 2007 1:25 PM

cat juggling is illegal? shit.

alison / June 19, 2007 2:07 PM

Oh, Larry......thanks for making me think of Mr. Show. So funny...

On topic: I have an expired license plate on my car. But the new one is in the back seat; I just haven't gotten around to replacing it. I guess I'm criminally lazy.

bucky / June 19, 2007 2:47 PM

socks with sandals.

cliff / June 19, 2007 3:31 PM

I've done something that I'm not real sure of since I have a State Tax Lien in Georgia.

Other than that, I'm actually living on the fairly straight and narrow even though my best friend's family is CPD all the way. Some of the stories I've heard...

fabulouslaporte / June 19, 2007 5:35 PM

why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder?

p / June 19, 2007 7:01 PM

who submitted this question?

yvor / June 19, 2007 7:02 PM

I have torn the tags off of more mattresses than I can remember.

I need help.

p / June 19, 2007 7:10 PM

and a guy at a party saturday who was completely mashed became convinced there was a rat in the house and began an investigation in which he stumbled around comically while frisking people and questioning and sniffing about and peering at you with one eye shut tight and making thinking faces, in order to "find out who's the snitch" while laughing and falling down. then he did the nestea plunge into the courtyard foliage and passed out amidst some bushes.

fluffy / June 19, 2007 7:13 PM

When I was young I broke the law many many times- I was never caught, except for once and went to jail. Those were my crazy days- now, my activities are considered illegal by others, but not me.

I predicted the future and it came true. I proudly led the parade with high kicks and baton magic. I danced with the unicorn of peace. Mr M and I put on a kick-ass puppet show last week. Someone called the cops but we hid.

madachode / June 19, 2007 7:55 PM

in the final stages of commendering a garbage truck to that i can finally elimate all of the "special" poles on N Halsted and replace them with "normal" poles

madachode / June 19, 2007 7:58 PM

next would be to let the british prove to the world that electroshock therapy can and does make a n halsted dweller normal again by sealing off the area for about 12 hours and letting the brits do thier job

sodomite / June 19, 2007 10:17 PM

I have to admit I was sad when it was no longer illegal to engage homosexual sodomy.

kelly / June 20, 2007 7:16 AM

I rip DVDs to my video ipod. i pay to rent the DVD's if that helps at all.

Emerson Dameron / June 20, 2007 8:52 AM

I was a prolific troublemaker as a lad, but there wasn't much in my town worth doing that wasn't illegal. I'm sure I still break extremely minor laws all the time. Who's got the whole book memorized?

My ass has incited riots. Sexy, sexy riots.

Sam Adams / June 20, 2007 9:01 AM

I poured tea into a harbor to protest taxation without representation.

Joe Hill / June 20, 2007 9:03 AM

I was framed.

George Hayduke / June 20, 2007 9:10 AM

I am a monkey-wrencher.
and it's time to get back to work.

Roger Rabbit / June 20, 2007 9:39 AM

I was framed too.

Winston Smith / June 20, 2007 9:45 AM

Thoughtcrime is the only crime that matters.

Sam / June 20, 2007 9:53 AM

Where's that damn 27b/6?!

leah / June 20, 2007 9:55 AM

stealin' hearts. BOOYAH.

Jerry 101 / June 20, 2007 11:05 AM

I'm innocent! Lawyer screwed me!

That said, I am also known as "Public Official A"

anon / June 20, 2007 11:22 AM

I break all sorts of minor laws, although most of them are auto/bike traffic related.

Thank goodness someone mentinoed the Nestea plunge.

David / June 20, 2007 11:22 AM

Defenestration and gerrymandering.

Not necessarily in that order.

christmas carol / June 20, 2007 11:34 AM


Debbie Does Chicago / June 20, 2007 12:51 PM

Come on, hasn't anyone else been an escort before? At least make some $ while you're doing something "illegal"!

Your Mom / June 20, 2007 1:47 PM

Drugs. Minor Insurance Fraud. Stealing (mostly as a kid.) Peeping Tom (is that illegal since you don't shut your blinds?) I also think that the Hummer H3 looks nice. That's gotta be a crime.

printdude / June 20, 2007 2:32 PM

I am a Cubs fan on the SouthSide of Chicago.

I have disguises, but the pigs they are on to me.

Allan / June 20, 2007 3:07 PM

I take things that do not belong to me. Sometimes I say thing that are not true and I look at woman with lust in my heart. I my have done some unscrupulous things on my taxes but the tax laws are so confusing I am not sure.

mike-ts / June 20, 2007 3:16 PM

You all got me inspired to go on a crime spree. Except I'd like to concentrate doing things that are illegal in Chicago such as fishing while sitting on a giraffe's neck, giving a dog whiskey, drinking beer out of a bucket while sitting on a curb in the Pullman district, or flying a kite within city limits.

Eating a meal while inside a burning building will take a lot of work. Like wandering around with a pbj sandwich in a bag in one hand, a scanner in the other, then hurrying to the next fire call to stand in the doorway and wolf the sandwich down before I get hurt.

Cussing ($300 fine) is the easiest. The most fun one would be taking a poodle to the opera.

Jay / June 20, 2007 3:35 PM

Aside from weed and spying on the neighbors? Hmmm. Sometimes when I go to Subway I fill my value meal cup up, drink a few inches off the top, and then fill it some more. I swindle them out of almost 8oz. of Diet Coke every time I visit. HAH! Take that big corporate franchises! Oh, and I always steal headphones from the airlines. Heh-heh. Yeah, take THAT!

JasonB / June 20, 2007 3:44 PM

I don't rewind video rentals prior to returning them to Blockbuster.

eat it.

E. / June 20, 2007 3:51 PM

I steal.

cashew nut / June 20, 2007 4:55 PM

Besides mail-order psychedelics, just runofthemill kleptomania.

fluffy / June 20, 2007 6:51 PM


be kind, rewind!

VT / June 20, 2007 7:44 PM

I rollerblade on sidewalks and endanger pedestrians, beat on plastic jugs on Michigan Avenue, and let my dog poop on the street... ALL IN THE 42nd WARD!

Brian / June 20, 2007 11:17 PM

I download illegal music illegally.
I don't rewind my DVDs.
I take the tags off of my pillows and mattresses (take that, bed inspectors!!).

Brian / June 20, 2007 11:26 PM

Oh yeah, and I jaywalk with impunity!

spook / June 21, 2007 10:05 AM

I've called the tune
To many a torture session
Now they say I am a war criminal
And I'm fading away
Father please her my confession

I have legalised robbery
Called it a belief
I have run with the money
And hid like a theif
I have re-written history
With my armies and my crooks
Invented memories
I did burn all the books
And I can still hear his laughter
And I can still hear his song
The man's too big
The man's too strong

Kevin / June 21, 2007 10:58 AM

I'm not sure if it's illegal or not but I'm a Cardinals fan who lives a block from Wrigley Field.

I believe in the bill or rights and I think Bush made those illegal...

I think Parents should be responsible for their childrens behavior....thats definitely subversive if not downright illegal.

I once stole some porn as a kid, but I mailed the cost of the magazine to the store.

e / June 21, 2007 1:02 PM

I walk my dog without a leash.

He's a 13 year-old Shepherd/Husky mix and to see people jump out of their skin at the "wolf" walking down the sidewalk is brillant. Is it against the law to scare the crap out of people? If so, I'm gonna be servin' some time....

Bla bla / September 14, 2007 5:06 AM

i downloaded music for free!
and video clips, movies, music clips too!

william / January 1, 2008 7:57 PM

i sale drugs, been doing it for 3 years made thousands its 2008 this is my last year. i have numerous women, gold chains, a rolex, canary earrings and basically everything i ever wanted. actually came to da net to c how i could leave the game, but thought i leave it this year my connect got raided by feds but he back out and im still bumpen. new york baby u already know.

bettywhite / November 29, 2010 7:53 PM

HELLO! I cant believe no put skinny dipping in the public pool at midnight! all the time baby. whats childhood with illegal skinny dipping past the city curfew?!

GB store

Recently on Fuel

Urban Ethos [26]
What is Chicago's "urban ethos"?

Cool Glass of... [16]
What're you drinking?

Supreme Decision [22]
What's your reaction to the Supreme Court's decision on the Affordable Care Act?

Taking it to the Streets [20]
Chicago Street Fairs: Revolting or Awesome?

I Can Be Cruel [9]
Be real: what is the meanest thing you've ever done?

View the complete archive

GB Store

GB Buttons $1.50

GB T-Shirt $12

I ✶ Chi T-Shirts $15