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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Thursday, April 18

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Rusty / May 3, 2006 10:27 AM

Lost a couple fingers in a mill accident a few years back. That was kind of weird.

Mo / May 3, 2006 10:29 AM

Well, I think it best to not mention the weird stuff that happens at my office NOW, since I still work here and all... But believe me, you WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT. But at my last job, I prayed almost daily that a car would drive through the front of the office and destroy the building. You know, like how you used to wish your school would burn down on test day? Well, one day I came in and saw the front of the office destroyed, bricks and debris, and part of the front gate and glass everywhere. Apparently, over night, someone in fact did drive through the office. Man, I should have wished for a million dollars.

mike / May 3, 2006 10:39 AM


lacey / May 3, 2006 10:47 AM

Well I don't know about the "weirdest" thing, but once I got a manilla envelope in the mail with a stuffed snake inside and a white sheet of paper that said "SSSSSSSSSSnakey."

It was from my family.

Emily / May 3, 2006 10:51 AM

I watched a regular patron at a bar I worked at eat a ticket administered by the Fort Collins police (immediately after the cop handed it to him) for public intox one 4th of July. He came directly into the bar after swallowing & I bought him a beer.

m / May 3, 2006 10:54 AM

My old boss (and good friend) resigned for another opportunity a few years ago. After he left, an AVP asked me to come into her office. She asked me if I was planning to quit too.

"Are you planning on quitting?" she asked, flat-out. "I know you enjoyed working with _____. We have a lot of important things on the front burner right now, so I just want you to know that if you were planning on leaving within the next six months or so, you could tell me."

I told her that I felt uncomfortable with her question, thougt it was inappropriate, and excused myself.

Monkey / May 3, 2006 11:44 AM

My company is staffed mostly by women and two years ago there was an announcement for all women on staff to report to the big conference room. After lots of hemming and hawing and some nervous stammering from the HR director, it was announced that we had a Phantom Shitter. It seems some disgruntled employee was dropping dukes on the ladies room floor. A stern warning was issued and the ladies were dismissed.

A few days later, it happened again. This time, the package was smeared all over the place. This agression would not stand!

A strict restroom security protocol was installed. Ladies would have to sign out keys to the potty and them sign them back in upon return. Name and time was required. This policy was none too popular as you might guess. It was easy to see from the time logs who was napping in the toilet and who was literally pissing away the day.

Not long after some staff were "retired" early and we moved to a new building where we occupied the entire floor. The Phantom Shitter has not been seen since.

God Speed Provocateur of Poopy!

cinder / May 3, 2006 11:46 AM

Probably the massive fire that erupted a few floors above my office afterhours while I was dozing at my desk.

It's just a good thing the emergency intercom system was really f-ing loud, because I was awoken by a command to evacuate to the nearest stairwell IMMEDIATELY!

I then groggily descended down the smoke tower into chaos at groundlevel, with firefighters streaming into the building from all sides and multiple helicopters hovering just above me with spotlights flashing.

charlie D / May 3, 2006 11:50 AM

Not really an office per se but I used to manage some retail stores and opened up one morning, turned off the alarm and walked into the office in back. I was summarily greeted by a very large and hungry racoon sitting on one of the desks eating what would be his third powerbar.

To this day I have no clue how he/she got in and how the alarm was not tripped.

Hmmm maybe I could train racoons to rip off banks? !!!

Steve / May 3, 2006 11:50 AM

The saddest weird thing was when I learned shortly after his firing that a former co-worker of mine regularly expensed dinners with his partner and fraudulently claimed that I and a few other co-workers were in attendance.

The happiest weird thing ever was when some chump decided that my department's storage room was the best place to stash a boatload of premium liquor. "Pay no mind to the clanking sounds emanating from my messenger bag, Mr. Security Dude...."

mew / May 3, 2006 11:52 AM

There was this one day when all my coworkers showed up on time, and they went the whole day without complaining about traffic, the weather, their significant others, or our boss.

annie / May 3, 2006 12:28 PM

I see weird things almost daily in my building. I work in a govt. building, which means it's open to the public. I've been here for 10 years so I've seen my share. I do love though when this over weight homeless lady who constantly giggles decides to walk around the stairwell completely nude.

slb / May 3, 2006 12:40 PM

maybe not the weirdest thing, but funny (i think)...

i used to work with a very nice 75 yr old woman who would not retire because she loved her job, even though she was a bit... um.. past her intellectual prime, shall we say.

so one day she was punching holes in paper with a 3-hole punch which did not have one of those rubber paper-circle catcher things on the bottom. consequently, there were tiny paper circles *everywhere.*

after she was done, she looked around and said, "oh, look at all these holes. It looks like i've been performing brain surgery in here."


Steve / May 3, 2006 12:45 PM

Annie, thanks for reminding me of crazy nude homeless action in/near the workplace. I'm forever scarred by the time that I was going to the office on a Saturday morning and one of the block's regular homeless women was standing on Adams all starkers with her dress pulled over her head yelling "Why won't nobody f&*% me!?!?!?"

There was also this one rather convincing Asian conman who worked the bank on the corner of my building. His schtick was that he was a traveling businessman who'd been mugged and needed a cash advance to get to the airport. I saw him working the scam on two separate occasions when I went to use the ATMs. Of course, I guess I don't know for sure that he was a con artist -- he may have just been a legit dude with incredibly bad luck. ; )

*Sigh*, I almost miss office life now. But only almost.

carrie / May 3, 2006 12:49 PM

m...did you ask your boss if your pay raise was on the other front burner?

Emerson Dameron / May 3, 2006 12:53 PM

I can't tell you in a public forum, as that would defy the whole purpose of my "office."

Lod / May 3, 2006 12:54 PM

Well it wasn't actually the office, but it was our Christmas party a couple years ago. One of our accountants decided to drink beforehand and then drink EXTREMELY heavily at the party before dinner (dude even cut in front of me at the bar twice).

Well, needless to say, he ended up passing out on the dinner table during the owners speech. And THEN proceeded to puke all over the table while he was passed out. The best part was the head HR lady was sitting right next to him and had to take him home. Funny how he was let go a couple weeks later.

MikeH / May 3, 2006 1:22 PM

Steve -

Sounds like you may have had a Crazy Mary sighting...

annie / May 3, 2006 1:33 PM

Steve and Mike H. -

I've been told that the woman I am referring to is Crazy Mary. When I see her, she brightens my day. Sadly.

slb / May 3, 2006 1:35 PM

i've got another one.

i was working in an office that was semi-open to the public a couple of aprils ago. it was about 4:45 and a very thin, mostly toothless woman came in and i could smell the cheap booze on her breath from 10 feet away. so she stumbles up to my desk and says something that sounds like "oooaaahh rrrahrah?" I say, "I'm sorry, what did you need?" and she gets out something more like "you arrrggh rrrahtrah?" so i start guessing: "water?" "no, WRAHRAH!" so eventually i say, "what do you need it for?" and she says, somewhat more intelligibly: "my husband and I were doing our taxes and we made a mistake, and there ain't no office depot around here." and i realize she wants *Wite-Out.*(tm)

So i gave her my Wite-Out(tm) and refused the 5 bucks she tried to give me.

you'd think if you were doing your taxes that drunk, you'd at least be prepared for the inevitable mistakes...

Carrie, too / May 3, 2006 1:44 PM

When I worked in the coffee shop, we had our share of homeless people come in. There was Vic who picked up a donut and threw it across the room and it hit a wall. We didn't kick him out because it was funny. Then there was the other guy who was asking people eating breakfast for money. I hate it when people bug me for money when I'm eating and I didn't want him to do it to my customers, so I gave him the boot. As he was going through the revolving door, he called me a scallywag. It was pretty awesome.

More recently, my office moved floors. Some people are still 2 floors up, but my part of the company got the brand new floor. It's lovely except we don't have a toaster. Well, we didn't until the one from 1982 appeared. I honestly think someone got it at a thrift store and brought it in. It's burned on the inside, is a box- not boxy, roundish like new ones, but a total box, and it doesn't fit bagels. What toaster doesn't fit bagels?! So now I must keep trekking upstairs to toast my bagel everyday. I think the toaster was a joke, but I'm not sure.

m / May 3, 2006 2:14 PM

carrie (12:49 p.m.),

Ha ha, no I didn't actually because I wasn't planning on being around for it. But I find myself STILL here. Sadly.

lisamay / May 3, 2006 2:45 PM

Years ago (and in a different state), I worked at a health clinic. One Saturday, I heard a ruckus in the hall outside the exam rooms. When I went to investigate, I found all of the health care workers laughing and a rather perturbed looking doctor standing amongst them. Turns out she (the doctor) had walked in to an exam room to find the patient's significant other perched on the edge of the exam table using the stirrups to steady himself while the patient gave him a blowjob.

Mo / May 3, 2006 2:52 PM

Oh, I forgot about the time two men, on separate occasions, came up to me at my real estate office asking to take a paternity test. Then on another occasion, a man can tearing into the office, screaming that a man in the van was hurt and that he needed to see a doctor. I told him I'd call an ambulance, and he said, no, send out a doctor right now! I later found out that our office used to be a clinic, but at the time I could only say, "I'll call 911!" He refused and sped away in his van.

Oh, and one of my coworkers turned out to be a porn star. We assume he was "working" on those extra long lunch hours, coming back reeking of cologne.

Avril / May 3, 2006 2:52 PM

It was my first 'real' job after college. I had a female coworker who had just moved into her first apartment. She talked a lot about this apartment and her roommate, Gail. She was so excited about the whole experience.

So we were at lunch one day and out of the blue she says -"I'm sure you've figured out that Gail isn't my roommate, she's my girlfriend."

It NEVER occurred to me that her roommate was actually her girlfriend.

I believe that was the first time she 'came out' to a straight person.

captain hook / May 3, 2006 3:26 PM

arrrrrr, one time I was sword fighting Peter Pan and my hand was cut off. And then a damn crocodile ate it. Arrrr.

leah / May 3, 2006 4:07 PM

I am the weirdest thing that's happened in my office.

s / May 3, 2006 4:21 PM

From where I sit... I can look out the window, across the river, and through the windows of a condo that is frequently being used for the filming and photographing of adult material. But I don't have any binoculars so I can't really make out the details.

van moxie / May 3, 2006 4:27 PM

If it's the same Crazy Mary I know, my husband used to give her money and smokes when he'd see her in front of his old building on Michigan and Lake. One time he forgot his wallet at home and she loaned him $5 for lunch, saying, "I know you're good for it" followed by that thin voiced laugh that echoed her scraggly body.

I met her once when I came to pick him up one time. She seemed so excited to meet me. She even gave my husband an anniversary card on our first wedding anniversary. It was a store-bought card with a standard message, but she also wrote inside it, "Even tho u now i don belive in love and that shit, happy anny. Love, Sharone."

MikeH / May 3, 2006 4:37 PM

Van Moxie -

No, that's not Crazy Mary. Crazy Mary is not that pleasant, or coherent, for that matter...

Whether downtown or in the Viagra Triangle, she frequently exposes herself (top and/or bottom) and yells crude comments...

Other times, she is just content to scream at the top of her lungs...

And at other times, I've seen her both in McDonald's by the CBOT and on the "L" picking her scabs and wiping her grimy fingers on whatever is nearby and convenient...

For better or for worse, she is a Chicago institution (and come to think of it, should probably be in one as well)...

baldeesh / May 3, 2006 4:38 PM

s - get yourself some binoculars.

Steve / May 3, 2006 5:39 PM

Not sure if my work hood crazy was Crazy Mary or not -- the woman I'm referring to tended to disappear from the Adams and Wells area for weeks at a time, then reappear outside the McDonald's or Walgreen's over there. African American, short hair, very sunken, sorrowful eyes, thin, tended to wear men's clothes (flannel and jeans) when she wasn't going for the quick-pullup-dress thang....

ack / May 3, 2006 6:21 PM

I get interesting phone calls:

'I can't come in today b/c I have alcohol poisioning' (from a bar)

'I can't come in today because my (name family member) has died' (who also died 3 weeks before)

'I need to reschedule my shift that started 20 minutes ago because I'm in MICHIGAN'. (that was Monday so it still pisses me off)

And then all of the health related calls:

"I have ringworm"
"I have chest pain"
"I have a headache"
"I have diharrea"
"I threw out my back at Women's Workout World"

Very rarely will any of the above maladies require a MD visit for some strange reason....

Moon / May 3, 2006 6:51 PM

I've got a million of them.

We'll start with this one:

I was working the late shift, just doing calculations at a desk, when I saw a movement by the door. I was thinking "bats and dragons, that's all" when suddenly two cops with guns drawn jumped in the room yelling and screaming "Hands up! Get down!" and all kinds of other crazy talk.

I was all "I'm working here! Leave me alone!"

They're like "We don't know you! Hands up!"

I sez "Wait! I broke in here to do calculations??? WTF???"

Them: "Oh"

They then calmed down and asked if there was anyone who could verify. I gave them my boss's number. He was out, but he left a number on his answering machine to call in case of emergency.

The cops called that number, but it was a guy who only started working the day before. The guy didn't know me, but he had seen me and described me. Sometimes it helps to be a really tall, really skinny hippy type.

Reno / May 3, 2006 9:10 PM

I had a coworker who was involved in strange pyramid schemes, and she apparently *loved* Jesus (she was a jerk, you'd never know) because she once sold this granola-ish stuff that claimed to be exactly like the stuff Jesus ate back in the day. It was so weird. I remember the graphics on the box would say like "this product contains 8% flax seed because that what Jesus ate before he was crucified." It was like the Jamba Juice of Bethlehem, I don't know.

kate / May 3, 2006 9:27 PM

I came across two bottles of lube, an enema and a few condoms in a drawer in boss man's file cabinet.

He's married. With kids.

So I took pictures of the drawer and pull them out when I need a good giggle.

e / May 3, 2006 9:38 PM

It wasn't at the office but it is office related. I work for a small newspaper. I had been working at the paper and living in my apartment a few years when all of the sudden I started receiving a subscription to the newspaper I work for. I just ignored it until a bill came... and the name on it was the name of the woman who lived in my apartment before me and is now dead. I took the bill to the accounting office one day and was told that the subscription was started because a check was received with her name requesting the paper. Spooky. Couple months later, I received a check refunding the amount of the subscription that wasn't fulfilled.

paul / May 4, 2006 12:38 AM

Nothing unusual ever happens in my office. Once in awhile someone accidentally prints something to the wrong printer in someone else's office. We all have a good laugh when that happens.

My best work stories never involve office work.

Although when I managed an office of telemarketers I put out a fire, stopped numerous fights (including some I started) and once fired the entire office at the same time.

printdude / May 4, 2006 8:53 AM

This one time, somebody brought in donuts.


That was really weird.

van moxie / May 4, 2006 9:11 AM

Steve-yup. That's her description exactly. She would disappear for weeks at a time and come back looking like someone had taken care of her for a bit. she has a family in the city that apparently tries to get her into treatment once in a while. Within a day or two she'd be all crazy again. All the homeless guys call her "Crazy Mary." She hates that they gave her that name. A lot of her crude behavior can probably be attributed to the fact that she is raped regularly (by those same men) and has been for most of her life. She's a junkie and a drunk, and yes, she's crazy.

Her giving us an anniversary card was a big deal, because she usually was barely coherent, but for some reason (maybe the money and cigarettes he'd give her) she took a liking to my husband. It was his first job in the big city from his small town in New York, and he talked to her when she approached him asking for stuff. So, for two years of cigarette breaks, he got to know more about her.

As for my office - by building has a few tenants that don't seem to understand that they're in an office building. There are fights all the time in the lobby and lots of screaming and yelling. Last week a mother and daughter duked it out in front of my office door.

MikeH / May 4, 2006 10:20 AM

Van Moxie and Steve -

Yeah, the Crazy Mary of whom I speak is not African-American...

I still recall fondly with a smile, sitting in the beer garden of Melvin B's one afternoon about 8 years ago. My friend, a fairly recent transplant from Michigan, gasped in horror, "Oh my God! This old lady just whipped out her tit!" Before even turning around to look, I knew it had to be Crazy Mary, and sure enough, it was...

Several months after that, this same friend was on his motorcycle waiting at a red light on Halsted near the Clybourn neighborhood when he heard a blood-curdling shriek. He looked back and saw Crazy Mary with her arms stretched outward running at him from the curb. He was so freaked out, he blew right through the red light...

fluffy / May 4, 2006 10:27 AM

about a month ago, a co-worker who just got hired 5 months ago, and I knew would never last, showed up drunk still from the night before. She passed out on her chair with her feet up on her desk and her baseball cap covering most of her face. Her mouth was wide open. I wanted to put a sticky note saying 'you're fired' in her mouth but no one would let me. She was fired this past Friday, by the way.

at a non-profit place in D.C., I shared an office with a humongously large beast of a woman with facial and chest hair, who would tell me about all the men she'd meet and the type of lingerie she'd wear for them... 'and i wasn't wearin' no panties neither'. *YUCK!*
At this same place, there was a big blow-up plastic dolphin sticking out of the office window. We also had a margarita machine. A strange but fun place.

I once worked at a major auto insurance company, in claims, and a man in Nebraska swore that the paint chips and dings on his car were caused by aliens who were shooting harmful rays aimed at his garage. He said neither the aliens or he believed in 'wear and tear' and that's why he should not have to pay a deductible.

Friend of a Friend / May 4, 2006 10:47 AM

The best office story I know is from a friend who worked in a particular department for the City of Chicago. One day, she noticed huge weekly bills for steam cleaning and went to her manager about them.

Apparently, there was this rather large woman who was too lazy to get up and use the restroom, so she would just urinate in a trashcan or in her chair all day long. The manager hired someone to steam clean the chair and carpet once a week to cope. The smell in the room was almost unbearable, as I was told (and could imagine).

My friend tried to get them to cancel the cleaning and get the woman some help, but apparently the woman had enough dirt or connections on somebody in the city to keep them off her back.

After hearing this story, I truly understood how F'ed up our city government can be.

m / May 4, 2006 11:03 AM

Offices have been pretty boring for me. Many weird things in retail:

Gordon's Booksellers, Baltimore, MD, 1990s
- Insane customer called and told me he was going to murder me and do XXX things to my corpse. He came into the store frequently, so that effectively banned him for life.
- The sci-fi and mystery customers - - anyone who's worked in a bookstore will know.
- Dementia-ravaged, kindhearted elderly woman with hair that hadn't been washed in eons would start a conversation with me once or twice a week as follows: "You Irish? My husband was Irish ... he's since passed away."
- My coworker lost a bet with me and had to write me out a check for $100,000, which I still have.

Rotunda Wine & Spirits, Baltimore, MD, 1990s
- The lottery customers. Anyone who's worked a lottery machine will know about these "people."
- My first delivery to Mr. Politano. He showed off his 9mm to me. When I got back to the store, Larry asked me, "did Mr. Politano show you his gun?"
- Delivery to a very happy 5 foot mexican guy with a very large-breasted blond prostitute on each arm.
- Dirtball Jim. You could literally see his body odor.
- Mrs. Morris had her beer (two 12 packs of Bud cans, one warm, one cold) delivered in two large paper grocery bags - - she was being discreet for the neighbors. She always gave me $5 and said, "be careful."
- Frequent deliveries of cheal gin to a woman whose teenage son usually paid.
- Some buildings I made deliveries to in B'more had these old fire escape chutes in the hallway (like a waterslide but dry and dark). Sometimes I used the chutes instead of the stairs.

I've thought of getting a part-time retail job again just for the entertainment and exposure to reality, warts and all.

sherylgurl / May 4, 2006 11:44 AM

naked homeless/crazy ladies....

That reminds me of a time when I walked in to the women's restroom @ the Sulzer Library- only to find a 250 lb. woman in her bithday suit. Soaped up. All over. Needless to say, i couldn't finish my senior paper...

not saying / May 4, 2006 11:54 AM

back in the mid 90s in massachusetts our office manager's husband came to the office with a gun because he found out (and let everyone in the small office know) that the company owner had been sleeping with her. she hustled him out of there and quit the next day.

that was my second week on the job. the owner then was younger than i am now. it was one of many weird things that happened at that place but that was probably the weirdest.

maneki / May 4, 2006 12:55 PM

When I was working in San Francisco, we heard the sound of siren after siren in the downtown area. We were told to stay away from the windows facing west and north. Later on we found out that someone had stormed 101 California with a gun and killed eight people.

At another job, there was a woman who drank at meetings from a water bottle filled with peppermint schnapps, and a different woman who made her dog sleep in her car because she wasn't allowed to bring it into her apartment.

At another job, one of the IT workers was mysteriously canned, turned out he was fooling around with a temp worker after hours and was discovered by the cleaning lady.

Toni / May 4, 2006 12:58 PM

Friend of a Friend--amazing and gross! That's just awful!

My weirdness is retail and public service related:

Large-chain bookstore, early 90s. While cleaning the bathroom before opening the store, I discovered a *used* porno mag in the men's room baby changing table. Nice.

Public library, late 1990s. While on duty at the reference desk one Saturday (I used to be a public librarian in another major city in a former life.), a man came in wearing very loose, yellow running shorts and aviator sunglasses. He then made his way down to the Children's Area and proceded to expose himself to whoever happened to be there. He left before I could call the cops.

Kevin / May 4, 2006 1:03 PM

I used to work over by Cabrini Green before they built all the townhomes. We would take smoke breaks on the fire escape, and would regularly be asked by someone walking the in alley two floors down for a light. Invariably, it would be a light for some crack that they had.

Anyone who had to park south of the building on Kingsbury would be said to be parked at the "Crack Valet."

GOOD TIMES! / May 4, 2006 2:11 PM

I used to work at an oddball video production place in Marin County, CA. I spent my days duplicating tapes of The DPF (adults who love to wear diapers and have mommies), interdimensional travel how-tos, rebounding (tramplining to enlightenment), reptilian energies, Drunvalo Melchizedek, and stage hypnotistism.

One Tuesday, I was working alone in the reception area when this barefoot, stoney, deadlocked girl swung by to pick up her Earth First video. She was totally cute, but her hairy hairy armpits reeked bad. Anyhow, we were standing talking while waiting for her tape to finish up, and while we chatted, her big hippie skirt started to droop a little, then slide on down... to her knees! You'd think that someone with a big loosey skirt would wear underwear, but nope. Crazy big hippie muff in the video place! What?

steven / May 4, 2006 3:18 PM

The weirdest (and sickest) thing I've ever seen was when I worked at Borders on State. Walked into the bathroom to find shit all over the walls. No way I was getting involved in that. Also, same workplace...finding a homeless guy passed out on the floor, in the bathroom, with his pants around his ankles. Same response.

Cinnamon / May 4, 2006 4:25 PM

There was the time that my 55-year-old male boss was coming back from his annual doctor's appointment. He'd finally agreed to get a prostate exam for the first time and told me that "Y'know. Having that guys finger in my poop-shoot wasn't so bad. I was really worried, but it felt kinda good. Might have to find someone (that someone would have been a prostitute) to try that out when I have her come over." He then told me his prostate was the size of a peach pit and very healthy. All of this was too much information. I'd been subjected to many overheard discussions about why prostitutes really were the only women on earth worth knowing. ("Dude! They don't like you! You're paying them to be nice to you!")

But to top it all, he nudged me with his elbow and said "You really oughta give it a try with your little guy. Just clean off your finger first. That's the last place I'd want some ketcup."

I quit two-months later when I found a sheet of everyone's salaries in the copier. A guy without a college degree who I had trained and who screwed everything up was making $4 an hour more than me because he "had child support to pay".

emyduck / May 4, 2006 4:31 PM

my very first "real" job out of school was in a library, in a department that did not circulate its materials. one friday after my boss and only other coworker had left (i was all alone on my second or third week there) some doctor called, asking to borrow a laserdisc for his mother's funeral. he explained that she wasn't dead yet, but she was going to die any minute and he HAD to have her favorite musical playing at the funeral and we were the only place he could find it. i explained that we did not circulate our materials, especially rare laserdiscs. after phone calls back and forth for an hour, (half of which were with his assistant) and after some great convincing words like "what's wrong with you?" and "i'm a doctor, don't you know what that means?" and "i can have you fired" he told me (in a very threatening tone) that he WAS going to come to our office and i WAS going to give him the laserdisc and he would be there in 15 minutes, and if i didn't, there would be "consequences".

needless to say i locked up and left early that day and didn't answer my office phone for a week or so.

C-Note / May 4, 2006 4:33 PM

Shit on the walls, crazy homeless people... that ain't shit. I used to run a jam session Sunday nights at a bar/restaurant called Fat City in the fucked-up part of Charlotte, NC (what y'all niggas know 'bout the Dirty South?!). Owned by a couple of big crazy queers that were always fighting about money, in the restaurant. The bigger one kept a loaded .44 Magnum behind the bar and used to pull it out and fire it out behind the restaurant before the place got gentrified (a couple years later, his teenage boyfriend blew his brains out in the car at a gas station, while he was in there buying soda). Sold coke & weed straight-up. Had a waitress named Danielle who got "I Love To Suck Cock" tattooed backwards inside her lips. They had a hip-hop night one week and a dude got carjacked and another one got shot in separate incidents. Dick Delicious played there and the owner got 'em to do an amateur porn vid at his place, fucking Danielle and this other borderline personality chick. One guy got so fucked up on liquid morphine he woke up outside a Nashville Greyhound station chained to a fence, wearing a tutu. One of the bartenders had a son named Damien after the horror movie character. It's all over now - North Davidson Street has become a hip place to buy a condo.

Kari / May 4, 2006 4:55 PM

One night while bartending, 2 men came in and ordered flaming shots of Bacardi 151. The first blew his out and drank the shot. The second guy forgot to blow out his shot and caught his moustache on fire. The DJ played the punk version of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" shortly after for our amusement.

lis / May 4, 2006 5:00 PM

why do so many work stories revolve around off-kilter, naked old women? here's mine:

i worked for a tv station downtown, and there was an advertising firm across the hall from us, where this older, overweight, socially awkward woman worked. our offices shared a bathroom on the floor, and one day, i walked in to find her standing there staring at the paper towel dispenser with her pants and underwear around her ankles. needless to say, i suddenly decided i didn't need to go that badly and scampered back out the door.

z / May 4, 2006 5:03 PM

Opened the door of an executive conference room and while reaching for the lightswitch, comes screaming out of the darkness NOT to turn the lights on and to find another room. The voices were male and female, for those interested.

Moon / May 4, 2006 6:40 PM

I worked in a Catholic hospital. One of the nuns was about 4'0" tall and 93 years old.

She pressed the button for the elevator and immediately saw two of the kitchen workers going at it. They had pushed the stop button, but didn't wait until it was between floors, so the door opened.

Onid / May 4, 2006 11:05 PM

I don't have any weird office stories but here is a weird retail one. I was working in a 24 hour grocery store on overnights. I was walking back to the front of the store when I heard a man scream and I saw a tall man running towards me and I was hit in the chest with what turned out to be a turkey leg. The man yelled ,"This ain't cooked!!!" as he was running out of the store.

We had some items in the meat department that were seasoned and prepared for the customer to cook. This gentleman thought that the turkey leg in BBQ sauce was cooked and tried to eat it and to his suprise it wasn't.

HP / May 5, 2006 9:10 AM

Um, filming a cheesy VH-1 Special?

dweeble / May 10, 2006 10:50 PM

The dumbest weird thing:

I worked with a guy who apparently had a complex on par with the mindset of a 10 year old boy who's constantly ignored by his father. He was 32 and whenever he worked late, he would leave a note for our boss letting him know just how hard and late he'd been working the night before. He also once had a tantrum in which he threw his phone and entire computer monitor off his desk because he couldn't figure out how to do something in InDesign.

Funniest Weird Thing:

Having a co-worker drunkenly tell me at the company Xmas party that she almost made out with our boss once--and our boss's wife was standing right behind her.

mmm...bagels. / May 10, 2006 11:11 PM

Not at an office, but a bagel/coffee shop: I was coming down the street around 5am to open one morning, when I heard an alarm going off inside and saw glass from the side entrance shattered. I immediately called 911 on my phone to report a break-in and hid around the corner, as i was afraid there might be an armed robber still inside. When the cops came, they found the intruder passed out on the floor: turns out it was a fellow classmate I actually knew from PSYCH class, who'd been tripping on acid and had momentarily lost his mind. Interestingly enough, I never saw him in class after that.

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