As of January 1, 2016, Gapers Block has ceased publication. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions over the past 12-plus years. 

TODAY

Wednesday, September 23

Gapers Block
Search

Gapers Block on Facebook Gapers Block on Flickr Gapers Block on Twitter The Gapers Block Tumblr


Fuel

katherine / May 5, 2006 12:04 PM

I NEED TO PEE!!!

Baldeesh / May 5, 2006 12:15 PM

THE DUMBFUCK THAT I HAVE TO SUPERVISE!!! THE IDIOT CUSTOMERS THAT CALL ME AND BITCH AT ME 'CAUSE THEY CAN'T FIND SHIT WHEN IT'S IN THEIR FUCKING GARAGE!! PEOPLE WHO BITCH ABOUT THEIR SITUTAITON AND THEN DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT IT!! PEOPLE WHO FUCKING TALK TO GODDAMNED MUCH!!

Baldeesh / May 5, 2006 12:16 PM

THE FACT THAT I CAN'T SPELL "SITUATION" PROPERLY!

jP / May 5, 2006 12:24 PM

SOMEBODY DO ME! AND PLEASE BE RELATIVELY ATTRACTIVE! AND NOT MARRIED! AND HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR! AND KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING DOWN THERE!

RICARDO / May 5, 2006 12:26 PM

I DON'T WANT TO BE GETTING SICK AGAIN! I WAS JUST FUCKING SICK LAST MONTH!!

Lody / May 5, 2006 12:27 PM

I NEED TO GET LAID. MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL!
WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO I TELL YA...?!

Allan / May 5, 2006 12:29 PM

HEY! STOP ALL THE M*%#@! F#@*$! YELLING. I AM TRYING TO EAT MY LUNCH. JP, SINCE YOU ARE RIGHT DOWN THE HALL I CAN DO YOU WHEN I AM DONE WITH MY SANDWICH! OKAY!

Baldeesh / May 5, 2006 12:32 PM

I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I'M ONLY GETTING LAID TWICE A YEAR NOW!!!! I ALSO WANT TO BE FUCKED!!! THANKS FOR THE REMINDER JP!!

jP / May 5, 2006 12:34 PM

F%$# YOU ALLAN! I WOULD RATHER HAVE YOUR SANDWICH! I KNOW WHAT YOUR PACKING!

Allan / May 5, 2006 12:38 PM

damn jP... that hurts.

jP / May 5, 2006 12:40 PM

THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A REAL MAN ALLAN!

Jamais Vu / May 5, 2006 12:45 PM

WHERE THE? HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE? THIS IS NOT MY LIFE.

Sam / May 5, 2006 12:45 PM

UGH...Let people off of the train before you shove your selfish, greedy way in!!! And get your fat arse to the RIGHT of the escalator if you just want a free ride, the LFET is for walking!!!

Sam / May 5, 2006 12:46 PM

Left! Sorry, can't spell when I am angry!

Alex / May 5, 2006 12:57 PM

Here here to people who talk too much. Talking is overrated.

The usual - people who say they're going to do something, you put your trust in them, and, of course, they don't do it.

carrie / May 5, 2006 1:12 PM

MY FUCKING BOSS WHO IS A TROLL AND HAS SUPER SMALL HANDS AND IS SUPER CONDESCENDING. WHY FUCK DID WE HIRE HIM?!?!?!?!!!!!!

PUSHY MCPUSHERSON ON THE TRAIN THIS MORNING WHO PUSHED ME OUT OF HIS WAY SO HE COULD GET OFF THE TRAIN WHEN ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS STEP OUT THE DOOR TO LET PEOPLE OUT. DON'T FUCKIN' PUSH ME IF I'M TRYING TO BE NICE, ASSHOLE.

I'm sure I'll find other stuff to scream about later

DON'T FUCKING ASK ME MY NAME / May 5, 2006 1:13 PM

GET YOUR FUCKING SUV OFF THE FUCKING ROAD YOU FUCKING SELFISH ASS. YOU AREN'T HAULING ANYTHING, SO HANG UP AND PULL THE FUCKER OVER. AND DON'T HIT ME ON MY BIKE WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT.

FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

timmae / May 5, 2006 1:21 PM

good timing... if you go to a show that you know is sold out and that has 2 bands that attract a lot of high energy punks who like to thrash around a bit during their music intake do not expect to stand in the 3rd row just off center and expect people not to bump into you once in a while making you sucker punch them with an elbow to the ribcage rather than just push them off in the opposite direction and then get you pissed so that arguing insues and your wannabee punk friend decides that spitting at people is the coolest thing to do at a punk show. you bastards suck. go back to suburbia. scream over..

Andy / May 5, 2006 1:22 PM

THIS FUEL ROCKS!

I NEED SOME SLEEP AND A NEW BED!

mel / May 5, 2006 1:25 PM

PRINT DEADLINES.
WEB DEADLINES.
IMAGE REQUEST DEADLINES.
MORE
MORE
MORE
ROCKING DEADLINES!!!!

m / May 5, 2006 1:36 PM

JSR, I have spent thirty hours working on, tweaking, and arguing over a piddly two-fold brochure for a cheap product for you and now we're arguing about adding colors and saving a hundred bucks or so. Roughly $3K has been squandered paying me my $50K salary to do what a sixteen-year-old with servicable Quark expertise could have done. You are a complete nimrod. Stick to selling and stop telling me how to design a brochure. This is not my job anymore. I shouldn't be punished with this shit because I happen to know Quark. I am sick of doing this boring layout crap I've done since 1994 for idiots who think it's rocket science. I need to do my real job and freelance for idiots like you in my spare time.

mew / May 5, 2006 1:50 PM

WORKING MY ASS OFF IN COLLEGE ONLY TO HAVE TO WAIT TWO YEARS (AND COUNTING) TO GET ANYTHING RESEMBLING A DECENT ENTRY-LEVEL JOB!

ahn / May 5, 2006 1:55 PM

OMFG.
I WANT TO GO HOME.
I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN I EVER HAVE AND I STILL HAVE NO MONEY.
FERRETS COULD DO MY JOB, IF THEY WERE ANAL-RETENTIVE FERRET FREAKS. OH YEAH, AND MY CAT KEEPS BREAKING THINGS AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID IN WAY TOO LONG TO COMFORTABLY MENTIONING IN MIXED COMPANY. i want a drink.

cory / May 5, 2006 2:01 PM

IMMIGRANTS AND THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS!!!!
(just kiddin'...)

DICK / May 5, 2006 2:09 PM

PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL LOWERCASE EVEN ON THREADS ABOUT SCREAMING. USE THE SHIFT-KEY, YOU ASSHOLE!

mike / May 5, 2006 2:12 PM

SERENITY NOW!

FRITES! / May 5, 2006 2:33 PM

I LOVE FRENCH FRIES! LOVE 'EM!

FRRREEEEEEDDDDIIIIEEEE / May 5, 2006 2:43 PM

I NEED A FU*KING JOB AND MONEY FOR SCHOOL!!!!!!

eep / May 5, 2006 2:46 PM

I AM SO SICK OF GETTING WRONG NUMBERS! I AM NOT CUSTOMER SERVICE!

ALSO, WE'RE NOT PAYING YOU TEMPS TO SIT AND CHAT ON THE PHONE ALL DAY! IF YOU DON'T HAVE WORK TO DO, GO HOME AND STOP SUCKING UP MY COMPANY'S MONEY AND DISTRACTING PEOPLE WITH YOUR INSIPID BANTER!

Baldeesh / May 5, 2006 2:50 PM

STOP CALLING ME AND SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUPP!

Annoyed / May 5, 2006 2:53 PM

EDITING MY CO-WORKER'S PISS POOR WRITING AND HAVING TO DO IT BY WRITING ON POST-IT NOTES AND STICKING THEM TO THE PISS POOR PAGE BECAUSE WE LIKE TO KICK IT OLD SCHOOL AT MY PROGRESSIVE NON-PROFIT SOCIAL SERVICE AGENCY.

e_five / May 5, 2006 2:57 PM

ICE CREAM!!

BLOODY MURDER!!

PRIMAL!!

EDVARD MUNCH!!

d. / May 5, 2006 2:58 PM

i need to scream bout not having taken a dump in like three days straight. yes. i need to scream, but not with my mouth. with my butt.

robin / May 5, 2006 2:59 PM

THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME CUPCAKES FROM MAGNOLIA BAKERY DURING MY WEEK FROM HELL TO MY BOSS.

robin / May 5, 2006 3:00 PM

THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME CUPCAKES FROM MAGNOLIA BAKERY DURING MY WEEK FROM HELL TO MY BOSS.

MikeH / May 5, 2006 3:05 PM

THE FACT THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BUT AM STILL NOT GETTING LAID BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN OUT OF TOWN FOR OVER A MONTH!!

THAT SHE IS VAIN AND SHALLOW AND OBSESSED WITH HER LOOKS BUT IS OTHERWISE A DECENT PERSON!!

THAT I'M STUCK IN A MEDICORE, UNINSPIRING AND SOUL-SUCKING CORPORATE JOB AND STILL CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY PROPERTY IN THE CITY I LOVE!!

THAT VARIOUS ASSHOLES OUT THERE TRAIN DOGS TO FIGHT; POLLUTE THE WATER, AIR AND LAND; AND REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE GLOBAL WARMING!!

THAT THIS COUNTRY IS RUN BY A BUNCH OF RICH, GREEDY ASSHOLES!! THIS ISN'T A FUCKING DEMOCRACY; IT'S A FUCKING PLUTOCRACY!!

MikeH / May 5, 2006 3:06 PM

(whew!) I feel better now!

matty / May 5, 2006 3:08 PM

This thread is funny but sad.

Quit being such prudes and get laid.

april / May 5, 2006 3:08 PM

It's hard to yell on Friday...especially when the boss calls to tell me to come in at noon instead of nine and my annoying coworker is out of town. THIS THREAD SHOULD'VE BEEN YESTERDAY!!!

Onid / May 5, 2006 3:12 PM

THE FACT THAT I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE AND WENT FROM BEING AN EDITORIAL ASSISTANT TO PAINTING HOUSES IN THE PAST YEAR. I WANT A FUCKING JOB!!!!!

fluffy / May 5, 2006 3:13 PM

I'M SCREAMING ABOUT MY POST-OP WOUND PAIN AND IMPATIENCE WITH THE WHOLE HEALING PROCESS. PAIN PILLS ARE AWESOME THOUGH!

WHY CAN'T I BRING MY CAT TO WORK?

m / May 5, 2006 3:25 PM

I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT THE WORLD BECAUSE THE DAMN PLACE WON'T BEND TO MY WILL!

MARC / May 5, 2006 3:30 PM

I WAS GOING TO BORROW A SINGLE SPEED TO RACE IN THIS WEEKEND'S NO NOS SPRINT BUT NOW NOBODY HAS ONE FOR ME AND I'LL NEVER GET TO REALIZE MY PODIUM DREAMS!!

Pedro / May 5, 2006 3:32 PM

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE MESS WITH MY MONEY YOU INCOMPETANT, GLAD HANDING CANADIAN

cruelty / May 5, 2006 3:34 PM

THAT EVERYTHING I LIKE TO IMBIBE IS OUTLAWED BY A BUNCH OF WHINERS!

AMERICAN JONES / May 5, 2006 3:35 PM

THIS IDIOTIC NANNY STATE!!!

paul / May 5, 2006 3:35 PM

It's called a FUCKING STOP SIGN ASSHOLE!!

FUCKING Quark! Fucking InDesign! Fucking IE! Fucking clients who want to me to use their FUCKING 30x30PIXEL GIF logo on an 8' banner!!

GOD-DAMN 3 second lapse between the button and the shutter on my FUCKING DIGITAL CAMERA! It's FUCKING 2006! Speed it up!! (And the fucking fact that I can't afford a digital SLR)

FUCKING GRATUITOUS CURSING!!!!

CHARMAGNE / May 5, 2006 3:36 PM

I LOVE MY FUZZY KITTEN!!!

Friday Spook / May 5, 2006 3:46 PM

Get me a mutha &*%$# drink, beer and a shot Yo!

KEVIN / May 5, 2006 3:49 PM

MY WIFE FUCKING RULES! MY DOG FUCKING RULES!
I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT OUR RABBITS DON'T TRASH THEIR LITTER BOXES FOUR TIMES A DAY ANYMORE! IF MY JOB DIDN'T SUCK A GOAT DICK, MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE WOULD FUCKING RULE!

Naz / May 5, 2006 3:57 PM

MY COMPUTER DIED! CURSES!

BUT NOW I BOUGHT A NEW MAC! HUZZAH!

I can't complain really. Things are good.

JasonB / May 5, 2006 4:01 PM

You people are so angry! Damn that rap music!

Emily / May 5, 2006 4:02 PM

IF I HAVE TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS 5 DAYS A WEEK, 8 HOURS A DAY FOR TOO MUCH LONGER I MIGHT LOSE MY SHIT. I HAVE LISTENED TO YOUR COMPLAINTS, SUFFERED THROUGH YOUR MOODSWINGS & WAS SYMPATHETIC WHEN SEVERAL 'EARTH SHATTERING' THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU. THIS IS WORK. BRINGING IN SMALL OUTSIDE ISSUES IS ONE THING. NEVER SAYING ANYTHING POSITIVE EVER ABOUT ANYONE IS ANOTHER.

m / May 5, 2006 4:02 PM

JUST CALL

Moon / May 5, 2006 4:02 PM

I think I can say for all of us:

FUCK YOU, MICROSOFT!!!!!!!

Moon / May 5, 2006 4:04 PM

CHARMAGNE (May 5, 2006 03:36 PM) said:

I LOVE MY FUZZY KITTEN!!!

Tom Cruise, ladies and gentlemen!

Give it up for Tom Cruise!!!

/hee hee

Bittersweet / May 5, 2006 4:10 PM

STOP LEAVING LONG VOICEMAIL MESSAGES! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REPEAT YOURSELF ONCE I CALL YOU BACK!

LEARN HOW TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. THIS WOULD INCLUDE LEARNING HOW TO READ!

YES, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A STUPID QUESTION, SO STOP ASKING ME THEM!

I HATE MY JOB. AND WHAT'S EVEN MORE DEPRESSING IS THAT I'M MOVING TO ANOTHER CITY AND WILL PROBABLY END UP DOING THE SAME THING, ONLY IN A DIFFERENT BUILDING.

fluffy / May 5, 2006 4:42 PM

WHY DIDN'T THAT FUCKER RESPOND TO MY E-MAIL?

Flobear / May 5, 2006 4:44 PM

WHEN IN DANCE CLASS, LEAVE ME MY PERSONAL SPACE! THERE IS PLENTY OF ROOM FOR EVERYONE, WHY MUST YOU KEEP BUMPING INTO ME!!!!!

WHILE RIDING, CARS & SUVS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SHARE THE ROAD. STOP GETTING SO CLOSE TO ME, I CAN FALL OFF AND HURT MYSELF VERY EASILY IF YOU DON'T STOP F&*(ING PUSHING ME!!!

ON THE PATH, RUNNERS AND RIDERS PLEASE SHARE! I RUN AND I RIDE, WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

GROUPS ON THE PATH, PLEASE, 2 ACROSS, THERE IS NO REASON WHY 5 OR 6 OF YOU ALL NEED TO BE NEXT TO EACH OTHER LEAVING NO ROOM FOR ANYONE ELSE TO GET BY YOUR SLOW A$$ES!

jaye / May 5, 2006 4:48 PM

OH GOD WHY SCREAM ABOUT THE PEOPLE AND THINGS THAT BRING YOU ANGST AND MISERY.

FOR ONE I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS AND DAYS AND NOTHING WOULD CHANGE.

SO I WONT.

EMERSON DAMERON / May 5, 2006 4:49 PM

ASSHOLES!! SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRUDES!! THOUGHTLESS UPWARDLY-MOBILE SHITHEADS!! CHILDREN!! THE IDIOTS AT LOUDWIRE FOR DISAPPEARING AND TAKING MY WEBSITE WITH THEM!! MY ANGRY, SELF-ABSORBED, INEFFECTUAL SELF!! FUCK!!

CVAL / May 5, 2006 5:29 PM

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK JAY IS SAYING IN "DOGMA" WHEN HE YELLS "SNOOD TO THE MUTHA FUCKIN TOON" OR SOME DUMB SOUNDING SHIT LIKE THAT!!!!

me again / May 5, 2006 5:39 PM

WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SUDDENLY GOING TO A PLAY? THIS THROWS OFF MY ENTIRE NIGHT AND NOW THE 3 OF US WHO JUST WANTED DRINKS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO BECAUSE NO ONE MENTIONED A FUCKING PLAY LAST NIGHT WHEN WE WERE MAKING MARGARITA PLANS. FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT BEFORE YOU MENTION IT TO US!

ALSO THIS FUCKING SPREAD SHEET FOR SMALL HANDS TROLL IS THE DUMBEST WASTE OF MY TIME AND HE KNOWS IT BECAUSE I TOLD HIM AND WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO WASTE MY FUCKING TIME ON IT?!

THIS COUGH IS REALLY STARTING TO BOTHER ME. WHY WON'T IT GO AWAY.

OH AND! MY WALGREENS HAS ANTS THAT INVADED MY CATS FOOD AND NOW I HAVE ANTS AT HOME. THEY'RE JERKS. SO MUCH FOR A CONVENIENT PLACE TO GET CAT FOOD. NOW I HAVE TO TAKE THE BUS TO TARGET TO GET HER FOOD. STUPID WALGREENS AND ANTS.

rrrrrrrrr / May 5, 2006 6:37 PM

I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING TONIGHT EXCEPT REVIEW THE 800+ PAGES THAT I RECEIVED AT 4 THIS AFTERNOON.

ALSO: WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE?!? THE RATIO OF NIGHTS AT HIS HOUSE V. NIGHTS AT MY HOUSE IS NOW AT AROUND 25:1! IF I HAVE TO BE AT WORK UNTIL 10 ON A FRIDAY, DUDE, YOU CAN PROBABLY MAKE IT DOWN TO MY HOUSE.

LOUD GUY! / May 5, 2006 6:46 PM

I FINALLY RESIGNED FROM MY DUMB FUCKING JOB AFTER HATING IT FOR OVER A YEAR BUT I'M NOT INSTANEOUSLY HAPPY AND RELIEVED AND THRILLED! WHAT THE FUCK! EVEN WHEN I QUIT IT STILL MAKES ME FEEL BAD! EMPATHY AND ETHICS MAKE ME FEEL SHITTY! TIME TO GET DRUNK AND BEAT THE WIFE!

beth / May 5, 2006 7:00 PM

I WANT TO MARRY THIS MAN, AND HE KNOWS IT. HE SHOWS WITH HIS ACTIONS THAT HE REALLY DOES LOVE ME.... AND YET, I ALWAYS MANAGE TO WANT TO TAKE THINGS WAY TOO QUICKLY... (WE'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER FOR A YEAR.)

SOMEDAY. I'M JUST PRETTY FUCKING IMPATIENT. (AND I REALLY LIKE USING THE CAPS LOCK ON MY POWERBOOK. IT'S THE ONLY GREEN LIGHT SHINING IN THIS DARK ROOM RIGHT NOW.)

/rant

C-Note / May 5, 2006 7:27 PM

STOP THINKING OF THIS FUCKIN' COUNTRY AS A DEMOCRACY! NEVER WAS INTENDED TO BE, NEVER WAS, NEVER WILL BE! IT'S A constitutional DEMOCRACY! OR A CONSTITUTIONAL DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE, BELIEVE ME! ACCEPTANCE OF THIS fact CAN ONLY HELP YOU!

connie / May 5, 2006 8:01 PM

MY BOYFRIEND IS PMSING AND IT'S REALLY STARTING TO FUCKING PISS ME OFF!!!!

christian / May 5, 2006 8:13 PM

DAMNED SOCK MONKEYS!

CVAL / May 5, 2006 9:28 PM

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MUTHA FU%^*& MINUTE, NO BODY IS RANTING ABOUT THOSE LOUSY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, MUTHA -FU$%ING CUBS!!! WHAT THE F IS GOING ON THIS YEAR, AS IF I'M FU*&^% SUPRISED!!! WHAT LOUSY BASTAR...oh another Budwiser, why yes, thankyou.

Assyria / May 5, 2006 9:49 PM

PEOPLE WHO CANT FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH AND WORK IN THE PUBLIC SECTOR I.E. BANKTELLERS, TELEPHONE BANKERS, GOVERNMENT OFFICES, ANYHTING AND ANYWHERE THAT REQUIRES THEM TO SPEAK ENGLISH AND THEY CANNOT OR HAVE THE HEAVIEST FRIGG'N ACCENTS...NEWSFLASH...GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!

WTF?! / May 5, 2006 9:49 PM

THIS IS THE FIRST THING I HAVE LAUGHED AT SINCE CHENEY SHOT A GUY IN THE FACE! FUUUUUUUUUUCK GRAD SCHOOL!

FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS "KURDISTAN" IS A FUCKING COUNTRY! IT'S OCCUPIED TERRITORY BITCHES AND THEY KILLED A LOT OF PEOPLE FOR IT AND FUCK THE MEDIA FOR OMITTING THIS FACT!

FUCK MY CRAZY EX-ROOMMATE IN THE ASS, AND HER EAR, AND EVERY OTHER OPENING IN HER FUCKING BODY!

SERIOUS? FUCK THE PRESIDENT AND ALL HIS MEN!

TO HELL AND BACK WITH REPUBLICANS!

FUCK THIS FEELS GOOD!

Carlotta / May 5, 2006 10:02 PM

MY FRIEND ALWAYS SAYS SHE WANTS TO GET TOGETHER WITH ME BUT NEVER GETS HER ACT TOGETHER ENOUGH TO DO SO & I DESPARATELY NEED SOME GIRLTALK!

I HAVE THIS STUPID CRUSH ON A GUY WHOM I BARELY KNEW & HE MOVED TO THE WEST COAST LAST WEEK. OH, NEVER TO HAVE THOSE LONG, SENSUOUS FINGERS CARESSING ME....!

I CAN'T GET THE FUCKING CLUTTER OUT OF MY APARTMENT AND IT'S HOLDING ME BACK!!!

I WANT TO LOSE 50 POUNDS *RIGHT NOW*!!

Rebecca / May 5, 2006 10:02 PM

IF ONE MORE GUY ON THE STREET INAPPROPRIATELY COMMENTS ON BODY OR TELLS ME TO SMILE I'M GOING TO LOOSE IT!

Moon / May 5, 2006 10:23 PM

THAT REBECCA IS HOT!!!

WHAT A BOD!!!

;D

schamada / May 5, 2006 10:25 PM

IF I SEE ONE MORE MEAN MOM YANKING THEIR SOBBING THREE-YEAR OLD BY THE ARMS AND SHOUTING "SHUT UP!" IN WAL-MART OR SAMS CLUB AT 11PM, I'M GONNA SLAP THAT STUPID BITCH ON THE MOUTH

the_other_one / May 6, 2006 12:12 AM

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DESK! NO, YOU CAN'T PUT THAT MYSTERIOUS AND SKANKY FOUND OBJECT HERE! PUT YOUR SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE, I'M DROWNING! DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! GO AWAY!

Shasta MacNasty / May 6, 2006 9:34 AM

To white strangers and/or coworkers that approach me with their hands stretched towards my head: GET YOUR GOT-DAMN HANDS OUT OF MY GOT-DAMN AFRO! PERSONAL SPACE, BITCHES!! I'M NOT YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING PETTING ZOO! GO TO YOUR BLACK FRIENDS FOR THAT SHIT!

Oh. You don't have any. Got it. Still...BACK THE FUCK OFF OF ME OR GO TO RENT-A-NEGRO.COM WHERE YOU CAN PAY SOMEBODY TO GIVE A SHIT!

-----------------

NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT180-PAGE POWERPOINT DOCUMENT FORMATTED AND PROOF-READ BY END-OF-DAY TODAY WHEN YOU GAVE TO ME AT 2PM...HO! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

-----------------

IF I HEAR ONE MORE SKINNY BITCH COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW FAT SHE IS, I'M GONNA SLAM MY FIST DOWN HER FUCKING PIE HOLE AND TELL HER TO EAT IT! "YES! YOU'RE A FUCKING COW! NOW GE T THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE...


[Aaaaaand scene.]

MOM / May 6, 2006 10:04 AM


LEAVE ME ALONE I AM WATCHING TEXAS RANCH HOUSE!

MRS. COOK! LAZY COOK DAUGHTERS! GET OFF OF YOUR ASSES AND WASH THE FUCKING DISHES!

lara kelland / May 6, 2006 12:10 PM

INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM!

HOMOPHOBIC PRICKS!

MIDDLE-CLASS ASSHOLES THAT THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM AND ANYONE WHO DOESN'T SHARE THEIR INHEIRITED PRIVLEDGE JUST ISN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH!

STRAIGHT MEN THAT THINK SHARING THEIR APPRECIATION OF MY BODY IS A GIFT!! (ASSHOLES, I REALLY DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, AND TELLING ME OR WHISTLING AT ME OR LEERING AT ME JUST MAKES ME REALIZE WHAT AN ASSHOLE YOU ARE AND AFFIRMS THAT I DON'T WANT TO ASK YOU HOW YOUR DAY IS GOING OR SMILE IN YOUR DIRECTION!!!)

THREE CTA BUSSES IN A ROW! SEASONAL ALLERGIES! BAD COFFEE! THE LACK OF RECYCLING BINS IN PUBLIC SPACES IN CHICAGO! NOT ENOUGH SUN THIS SPRING! TOO MUCH CYNICISM!

(ok, thanks, i feel better)

CRAIG / May 6, 2006 12:33 PM

DEAR SIR/MADAM,
MY NAME IS DAN MOORE AND I HAVE SOME MONEY FOR INVEST IF YOU ARE WILLI I WILL GIVE YOU MORE DETAILS!!!
THE MOUNT IS ($1,500,000 US DOLLARS ONE POINT FIVE MILLION US DOLLARS)FODDER MORE YOU CAN FURNISH ME WITH YOUR FULL CONTACT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AS FOLLOW FULL NAME PHONE AND FAX NUMBER TOGETHER WITH YOUR CONTACT ADDRESS!!!
THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU AS YOU DO THAT FOR ME!!!

LEELAH / May 6, 2006 2:53 PM

WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS YESTERDAY? BECAUSE I QUIT MY JOB!!!
AND YES, I HAVE A BETTER ONE AT A NEW SCHOOL!
ONCE THIS SCHOOL YEAR ENDS, I WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEE SOME OF YOU STUPID ASSHOLE INCOMPETENT TEACHERS EVER AGAIN! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, FUCKERS. I HOPE YOU ALL GET FIRED ONCE THE SCHOOL GOES TO HELL SINCE THE BEST OF US ARE FLEEING.
OH, AND FUCK YOU, LSC PRESIDENT... YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FLIGHT.

Amy / May 6, 2006 3:27 PM

PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK WHO HAVE TO TELL YOU THEY'RE FROM NY AS IF CHICAGO IS SOME PODUNK TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. I DONT GIVE A FUCK! AND MY BOYFRIEND IS FREAKIN AWESOME BUT I CAN'T STAND HIS BED! AND I BETTER MAKE SOME MONEY BETTING ON THE DERBY TODAY GODDAMMIT CAUSE I'M BROKE AND HAVE 2 OUT-OF-TOWNWEDDINGS THIS SUMMER!

Rebecca / May 6, 2006 5:51 PM

THAT'S IT!

MOON-- I'VE OFFICIALLY LOST IT!

F**KIN' STREET-HARASSING-MOTHERF**KERS.

Moon / May 6, 2006 6:25 PM

That lara kelland is hot! I REALLY appreciate her bod!!

Nice smile, Rebecca!

/Yes, I am a two-timer. The WORST kind of scum! Go ahead, yell at me. You KNOW you want to!

Moon / May 6, 2006 6:28 PM

Amy,

Hahahahaha! You didn't win any money on the Derby, either.

BARBARO!!!

Your boyfriend is a dork, his bed ROCKS and NYC is the TITS!!! It's the TITS, I sez; THE TITS!!!

It Must Be Mating Season / May 7, 2006 2:59 PM

Dear straight men of Chicago,
Just because I shared my table with you at this busy coffee shop does not mean I want to look at, talk to or fuck you. I'm a dyke. And even if I was straight, I wouldn't give a shit about your stupid band. If another table opens up, move!

Michael / May 7, 2006 4:18 PM

Dying alone, and, preferably, young.

for real / May 7, 2006 4:21 PM

To follow up "It Must Be Mating Season's" comment, above:

Dear Straight Men,

Just because I am not interested an immediate make-out, right now! does not mean that I am a "f*cking dyke." It doesn't really mean anything about my sexual preferences, one way or the other. It just means that I am not interested in you. Please, do not take this very apparant disinterest as a ploy on my part to get you to try even harder. I'm not shy; I'm not angry; I'm not frigid. I'm just not interested in you.

It's a tough, tough world, I know. But that's the way it is.

On a related note:

Dear Straight Men,

Please allow me to engage in everyday, commonplace pleasantries such as making eye contact, smiling, holding a door open, etc., without assuming that this is a coded request for you to make sexually aggressive remarks. This causes us to degenerate into the scenario described above, and convinces me that I shouldn't engage in commonplace pleasantries unless I want to be subjected to harassment.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST BE COOL! JUST DON'T BE A JACKASS!

Thank you.

Michae / May 7, 2006 4:24 PM

Additionally, F NYC. Urbs in horto.

christian / May 7, 2006 5:34 PM

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SCREAMING, I HAVE A MOTHER OF A HEADACHE!

Horny Chicago Guy / May 7, 2006 5:42 PM

OR YOU COULD JUST POLITELY SAY THANKS, BUT I"M NOT INTERESTED!! YOU SHOULD TAKE MY ADVANCES AS A COMPLIMENT AND MOVE ON!!!

gazebo / May 7, 2006 6:17 PM

THAT'S BS, HCG!! YOU SHOULD KEEP IT TO YRSELF & QUIT BOTHERING PEOPLE! YR ADVANCES ARE NOT A 'COMPLIMENT' BUT AN ANNOYANCE! GO COMPLIMENT YR MOTHER!

AND DITTO TO FLOBEAR! THE LAKEFRONT PATH IS MORE THAN JUST A GLORIFIED SIDEWALK--IT IS A BIKE LANE! DON'T JOG RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE! THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM FOR YR DOUBLE-WIDE STROLLER! I RUN & BIKE IT, YET I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

lara / May 7, 2006 8:01 PM

HORNY GUY, ET AL! NO ONE IS SAYING THAT HORNY IS BAD. BUT THEY WAY YOU SEEM TO ENGAGE WOMEN JUST MAKES US WANT TO RUN THE OTHER WAY, IF BY SOME CHANCE WE MIGHT HAVE BEEN INTO YOU. YOU HAVE A PRIVLEDGE IN THIS CULTURE AS A MAN, AND YOU FLAUNT IT UNPLEASANTLY WHEN YOU PRESUME WE ARE EAGERLY AWAITING YOUR WONDERFUL ATTENTION. YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR ADVANCES TO YOURSELF, BECAUSE WE REALLY DON'T NEED A "COMPLIMENT" FROM YOU, AND *YOU* SHOULD MOVE ON!

Schamada / May 7, 2006 8:34 PM

SHUT UP ABOUT THE "SEXUAL HARASSMENT" BY HORNY, FRIENDLY MEN IN COFFEE SHOPS, YOU HYPER-SENSITIVE, SMUG, PRIVILEDGED AND HOSTILE FEMALES...YOUR TYPE MAKES ME ILL. YOU MAKE IT SO MUCH EASIER FOR SOCIETY TO DOWNPLAY THE AUTHENTIC STRUGGLE THAT SOME OF US ACTUALLY FACE AT HOME AND WORK.

SEAN U / May 7, 2006 9:23 PM

THERE SEEMS TO BE NO FUCKING END TO THE AMOUNT OF REACH-AROUND PEOPLE HERE ON THE WEST COAST REQUIRE. I SWEAR, THE FUCKING SUN MAKES YOU FLAKEY, MENTALLY UNALERT AND A BORING MOTHERFUCKER WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERSATION. STILL, IT'D BE NICE IF YOU ARTLESS AND OPPORTUNISTIC PRICKS WOULD CALL ME WHEN YOLU SAY YOU'RE GONNA. SURE, CALL ME. I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. I HOPE I GET TO A POINT SOMEDAY WHEN I GET ASKED TO CALL PEOPLE BACK BECAUSE - HOT DAMN - I AM CALLING YOUR ASS SO HARD AND ALSO PLAYING THE BANJO SO LOUD YOU CAN HARDLY HEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS I AM SAYING.

jojo / May 7, 2006 9:32 PM

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!

(AND VIRTUALLY AT FOLKS LIKE SCHAMADA, WTF? AND HORNY GUY WHO ARE PRESUMABLY LEERING PIGS AND(/OR?) MISOGYNISTS; SECOND TO LKs RANT AGAINST RACISM AND THE ALL-TOO-TYPICAL MIDDLE-CLASS (& ARTS SET) WITH THIER UNEXAMINED PRIVILEGE.)

BUT I PREFER TO SCREAM FOR LOVE, JOY AND BLISS!!!

Steve / May 7, 2006 11:35 PM

Despite our lender's best efforts to mess things up at the last minute, we closed on our house Thursday!!!!!!!

Angie / May 8, 2006 5:43 PM

The alterations department at house of Brides on Franklin st. FORGET the fact that you do not have an answering machine or a seamstress who is there only once a week. If you go back on your word and cannot have a dress ready on time, at least recommend someone who can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freddy / June 4, 2007 9:10 PM

WHY THE FUCK DOES MY BOSS HAVE TO HAVE A FINGER IN EVERY PIE IN THIS OFFICE? I WISH HE'D LEAVE THE TECHS TO DO THE TECH WORK AND FUCK OFF BACK TO HIS OFFICE AND DO SOME OFFICE WORK.

GB store

Recently on Fuel

Urban Ethos [26]
What is Chicago's "urban ethos"?

Cool Glass of... [16]
What're you drinking?

Supreme Decision [22]
What's your reaction to the Supreme Court's decision on the Affordable Care Act?

Taking it to the Streets [20]
Chicago Street Fairs: Revolting or Awesome?

I Can Be Cruel [9]
Be real: what is the meanest thing you've ever done?

View the complete archive

GB Store

GB Buttons $1.50

GB T-Shirt $12

I ✶ Chi T-Shirts $15