Gapers Block has ceased publication.
Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
✶ Thank you for your readership and contributions. ✶
TODAY
Saturday, April 20
Fuel
slb / January 13, 2006 12:16 PM
it's hard to beat "hi there!" for sneakiness.
Andrew / January 13, 2006 12:17 PM
Since my last name's Huff, this one caught my eye today:
Re: captivating huffish
lisamay / January 13, 2006 12:51 PM
Most of them are so unimaginitive lately, including the "Re: Software" message I received today.
But what made this particular piece of spam remarkable was the name of the sender: Penis C. Sterno.
jgs / January 13, 2006 12:53 PM
"jgs, how do they sochk those caacks?"
Dunl / January 13, 2006 1:02 PM
I don't know about favorite, but most poetically cryptic (received yesterday):
"on pooh it meridian"
j / January 13, 2006 1:08 PM
Anything involving my penis is rather charming...
Carrie / January 13, 2006 1:29 PM
"blessed is the man who steals our babies and smashes them against the rocks"
Ann / January 13, 2006 1:31 PM
How can you pick just one? Just today:
"We have plenty of lots of singles"
"Time to loose some weight stratospheric"
"SATISFYHERstarskiand"
and any variation on "ann surprise her with a big hard one this columbus day/sunday/arbor day/whatever"
esskaycee / January 13, 2006 1:35 PM
Oh, you guys have to check out www.spamusement.com. "Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!"
Anon / January 13, 2006 1:59 PM
ok, ill admit it...anonymously, anyway...from time to time, ill take a gander at the casual encounters section on craigslist. you know, just to see whats going on today in the world of anonymous sex. who wants their genitalia battered, which TS claims he/she is the hottest in all of chicago. if youre going to claim youre truly well-read, you have to keep up with this sort of stuff, people.
anyway, its good for a laugh. some spam site posts from time to time, in the w4m category, with subject lines like "Classy 'Mature Woman' provides a good time," and "Precious Latina Woman is a dear darling," (dear darling?) and "Seductive Asian Woman is passionate about our time." im sure its some bot posting this stuff over and over, but the hilarious thing is that SOME human had to think up those lines in the first place.
i wish that was my job. id be good at it.
George Aye / January 13, 2006 2:24 PM
It freaks me out when real, genuine work emails arrive and it reads like spam:
"Yona Belfort" writes: "spare a moment for flik?"
"Will Getter" writes: "If you like Hendrix, and you like saxophones..."
"Branko Lukic" writes: "Can you help us?"
I love my job.
misty / January 13, 2006 2:24 PM
"domestical jankson"
Omar Khayyam / January 13, 2006 2:28 PM
(( raahbare mellate iran agha pro.ebrahim mirzaii))
The message is some kind of political rant in Farsi with an HTML attachment. They arrive about once a month, I guess.
kerry / January 13, 2006 2:39 PM
At the beginning of 2005 I started writing down good ones, but quickly forgot all about it.
"Ameliorate your sperm quantity and choice"
"vernal ang randy girls are awaiting you!"
"Big dick under attack"
"nod once if you love investment tips"
"H'Core in the Office"
Some noteworthy ones currently stuck in the trap:
"Re: buttery hyperbola"
"castigate A glistening item is what you demand. gantlet"
"shame of sex? we can change it"
Up until now I wasn't ashamed of my sex, but now I think I'd be better off as a dude, afterall.
Kevin / January 13, 2006 4:12 PM
My favorite recent one was from "Wilford." It read: "Still wanna fuck?"
no one / January 13, 2006 4:52 PM
that last one freaked me out since I dated a guy named wilford.
jaye / January 13, 2006 5:25 PM
one of the frequent ones lately: be a cop
nothing against cops but i would rather be a pooper scooper!!
Ray / January 13, 2006 6:03 PM
Anything that mentions "Soma." Brave new world, indeed.
Dave / January 13, 2006 9:12 PM
"Hi! It's Mrs. Smith from the Bank!"
Baltimore / January 14, 2006 8:20 AM
"Good day,You may be surprise to receive this email since you do not know me.
I am the son of the late president of Democratic Republic Of Zaire,President Mobutu Sese Seko and I have it from many very worthy sources that you are a God fearing honest man like my father"
side note:Although I now count numerous former dictator's family members as close confidants because of my popularity amongst them, none that I have invited have bothered to show up at any of my dinner parties yet!
Justin / January 14, 2006 10:55 AM
Just this morning, Kent Ford promises to "Improve your results in bed and surprise her." An excerpt:
"[T]he soft tab gets into bloodstream, including your buddy, in just 15-20 minutes. Down the little thing and start pleasing her in the foreplay, because minutes later you will win her very personal First Prize."
Whoa -- there's a prize?
the Prizewinner / January 14, 2006 12:59 PM
SHY TO FCUK WITH UR SHORT GUN? L0NGER 3" INSTANTLY he
Stephen / January 14, 2006 6:00 PM
Just received today:
Every man must have a sex! MUST!!!
m / January 14, 2006 8:42 PM
Add substantial spicery to your aliveness!
I get this one a lot. I feel I should reply and let them know my aliveness doesn't cook with any spices, thanks.
Emerson Dameron / January 15, 2006 3:50 PM
From my girlfriend's work account:
"neanderthal Imagine what diamond studded fashion must-have represented for her"
"Diamond-studded" is a hyphenate, goddamn it.
Has anyone else gotten those e-mails that start with passages from Dickens, leading up to an ESL sales pitch? I was surprised I still recognized characters from Bleak House.
Also, anything from "Vacationer D. Pravda" or "Billboard V. Patricides" is always good.
Arek Dreyer / January 15, 2006 10:13 PM
My favorite is that I got a message from something at nomoremexicanfood.com, but I don't remember the subject line or body.
vit / January 16, 2006 4:13 PM
I'll never forget the one with "dissident housewives" in the subject line. I had this picture in my mind of a bunch of schaumburg soccer moms descending upon Washington with pitchforks, black flags, and moltov coctails.
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