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Feature Tue Apr 22 2008

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rebound

It’s Earth Day! But you knew that, right? I mean you’ve already loaded your old newspapers in your electric car and driven them to the recycling plant while sipping on an organic smoothie in a reusable beverage container, correct?

Me, I’m not so “green” (despite my last name). True, I ride the bus rather than drive (mostly because gas is through the freaking roof). And I download music rather than buy wasteful CDs (too lazy to go to the store). And I keep the lights in my apartment off as much as possible (again, ‘cause I’m cheap). But when it comes to conscious acts of conservation, I’m kinda lax. Fire up the charcoal grill and throw a couple of steaks on that baby!

But that doesn’t stop me from suggesting to others how they can help our environment. Do as I say, not as I do: that’s how I roll. So with that in mind, and seeing how this is supposed to be a sports-related column, I offer the following Earth Day suggestions to some of our local sports entities who, many times, can be accused of being less than friendly to the environment because they’re always stinking up the joint (ba-DUM-bum…Thank you, I’ll be here all the week…).

  • To avoid the wasteful printing of needless paper tickets, the Bears should just concede 2008 regular season games to the Indianapolis Colts, Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars now.
  • To reduce the needless consumption of head coaches, one of our most precious resources, the Bulls should bring back Jim Boylan. Reduce, reuse, recycle and REBOUND for God’s sake.
  • For the Crosstown Classic series in June, the Cubs and White Sox will use the CTA Red Line train to get to the ballpark. Pray there are no derailments.
  • To save electricity at U.S. Cellular Field, replays will not be shown on the big screen but re-enacted on the Fan Deck by members of the Redmoon Theater Company.
  • On chilly evenings, the Wrigley Field press box will be heated by fires from unsold Fukudome t-shirts.
  • In the event Brian Urlacher is indeed traded, the Bears will help fans recycle their No. 54 jerseys. Bring yours to the game and the numbers will be reversed at no charge, making No. 45, safety Leonard Peters, the most popular football player in Chicago.
  • Giant windmills installed outside Wrigley Field to catch the huge sighs of disappointment emanating from dejected fans in the event the Cubs fail to make the playoffs again this year, which should be enough power to light Lakeview for several years.
  • Install 40 watt bulbs for night games at U.S. Cellular. Create even more headaches for Jermaine Dye.
  • Finally, two words: hemp uniforms.
 
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Andy AngelosAuthor Profile Page / April 22, 2008 5:09 PM

Hilarious. If wonder if Lance Briggs would flee the scene if the L derailed? Claiming the L was stolen would be slightly more difficult for me to digest.

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