Bears Thu Sep 18 2008

Bears Look to Sink Bucs Ship and Other Footballic Ramblings

By Brian Lauvray

Holy Hell! If you don't like the Bears, then please, do yourself a huge favor and completely ignore the early-slate of games on Sunday. I warn you, dear reader, watching too much of any of these games could cause you permanent retinal scarring. More on that later, first, let's talk about your* beloved Chicago Bears.

OK, first, Kyle Orton, please, throw a touchdown this game. Dude, you've not thrown a single TD all season and Rex Grossman and the rest of the pine-riders are totally talking sh*t about you behind you're back. Look, I know you have a stable of running backs that can happily move the ball and you've been blessed with a defense that seemingly generates points out of thin air, but, please, let's get some touchdowns. If not a touchdown, then how about just an interception -- I mean, you haven't even thrown a pick! What are you some ultra-efficient, game-managing robot? Get touchdowns or interceptions, something to make me develop an opinion of you.

The Bears opponent this weekend, the Tamba Bay Buccaneers, are even more bland and vanilla than the Bears offense -- admittedly, this a real shock. Seriously, though the Bucs offense is even more crap-tacularly blah, boring and blindingly sluggish than the Bears. So, yeah, if you're expecting the resurgent Bears defense to choke the life out of Tampa, you are not alone. Further whetting the defense's bloodlust should be the announcement earlier this week that NFL journeyman/QB Who Couldn't Take Rex Grossman's Job, Brian Griese, will be getting the start on Sunday. Griese, who was last seen by Bears fans getting his sorry ass scraped off the grass of Soldier Field and being benched behind Grossman, will be making his second start after "leading" the Bucs over the "football team" known as the Atlanta Falcons.

Watch for the Bears defense to play lights out, per usual. And hope that NeckBeard can finally throw a touchdown pass to keep the Buccaneers' defense honest, because if there's not even a hint of aerial offense the Bucs will stuff the box on every play and stymie the f*ck out of rook Joe Forte; see: Carolina's defensive plan from last week. In any case, it's the Bears home opener, so, yeah, Go Bears!

The Bears are Winning/Losing by Too Many, What Else is On?

Balls, as in the early schedule of games this week sucks Balls!

Kansas City @ Atlanta: Are you kidding me? I've seen more excitement in a whelping box. Look for Michael Turner to penetrate KC's defensive line like a porno. **

Cincy @ NY Giants: Bravo, NFL schedule-makers, Bravo! I seriously hope there's a nature doc about Bengal Tigers on the Nat Geo channel to salvage the honor and respect typically associated with that proud feline; cause, yeah, the Giants are going to be going all kinds of savage and violent on these pussy cats from Ohio. Over/Under on Eli Manning having a better passing game than his bro Peyton is off the books this week thanks to Cincinnati not fielding a defense. No really, the Bengals suck.

Meanwhile, for as sh*tty as the early sked is, the 4pm games are stacked beyond belief -- again, bravo NFL schedule-makers. I love having to flip between three different channels just because you jackasses were too lacking in brain space to balance out the schedule a little more.

Must Watch Games

New Orleans @ Denver: The only real losers in this game will be both team's D-coordinators. Neither squad likes to play defense and they're both stacked with talent at the skill positions. Video game offenses meeting reality never looked so good. Reggie Bush will be scoring like he's in Kim Kardashian's bed.

Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia: The Battle of Pennsylvania never really resonates with me, but I understand that both these teams fan bases are rather dedicated. Look for Pittsburgh to slowly beat the life out of Donovan McNabb as he tries in the face of overwhelming odds to not get injured before the end of September. Meanwhile, Big Ben should have another yeoman-like QBing effort as he endlessly connects with Hines Ward, et al.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis: These two cities suck and it definitely bothers me that they are both very good football teams. Here's to hoping that Indy send the Jaguars to 0-3. Sadly (or not-so-sadly), Indy is far too wracked with injuries to hold up for an entire game and in spite of Peyton Manning having his typical, perfectly awesome day at the office type game, Indy's dropping to 1-2.

Dallas @ Green Bay: Ugh, the real losers when these two teams collide are common decency. I hate both of these teams and their fan bases, and sincerely wish they could both lose. They can't, so I guess Green Bay will. Dallas is just way too strong.

*Remember, I only write about these guys and do not care about them. Me? I'm rooting for the Buffalo Bills this year.

**If you watch this game to completion you could already be a loser.