Basketball Thu Oct 30 2008

To The Hole

By Brian Lauvray

To The Hole is Gapersblock's new Chicago Bulls/NBA-centric rambling, quasi-frequent blog. The same guy who spews out this. is responsible for "To The Hole," so yeah, expect dubious grammar, spurious notions on how "basketball" is played and next to nothing in terms of useful material

Everyone knows that the loud, gaudy NFL is King of the American Sportscape and that MLB, with its seven month season is the stately, elder-gentleman of Americana and yesteryear; that even the most jaded observer can appreciate for its mere stubborn refusal to alter its entity. The NHL is a forgotten quantity that struggles in vain with hokey promotions and rule-changes to try and grasp some small corner of America's sports-consciousness.

Meanwhile the NBA, aka "The Lig", "The Association", is seemingly embraced by fewer and fewer and reviled by more and more as THE problem child of pro sports. To the many haters of The Lig, Eat a D*ck, Sincerely, Brian Lauvray. The NBA has been getting its Daft Punk on for the past few seasons, ie: "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger," and has finally, in this grand year of our Lord (some call him, Jordan), come around and is ready to reclaim its proper spot atop the heap of Pro Sportsdom in America.* The NBA has got something for everybody, to wit: [Ugh, what follows is this guy's "concept" of something for everybody-Ed.]

The "Cream-My-Pants-Cause I've Never SEEN That Before!" Dude:

Two words, junior. Dwight (F*ckin') Howard. I couldn't care less about this Freak of Nature's affinity for Jesus. All I care about? The sick, physics-defying dunks he routinely shames other pro ballers with. Behold and lose breath:

But, really, if a 6-11 muscle-bound, human-pogo stick with the handle of smallish shooting guard can't whet your appetite for what the NBA offers, I don't know, uhh, try anti-depressants?

See also: James, LeBron. Bryant, Kobe. Gay, Rudy.

The "I Only Like Team-based Team Sports, The NBA is a Bunch of Me-Firsts Jocks" Dude

Okay, first, let your pants ride a little more comfortably, like, lower than your waist, there gramps. Second, have you never heard of teams from such distant lands as Detroit or San Antonio? Cuz these squads play teamball like your J/V high school coach demanded because none of you ran enough wind-sprints in the preseason workouts. Honestly? I hate sports fans like this, they complain about the NBA and the NFL, "because it's always about the offense and the Mr. Me First prima-donna. It's never about the defense, bitch, bitch, bitch." F*ck you, dude. San Antonio and MoTown, lockdown like a Brinks truck on defense and vex and wile their way to points on the offensive end. Meanwhile, the L.A. Lakers and Boston Celtics (last year's Finalists) were entire teams composed of stars, and guess what? They played like teams programmed to decimate lesser-squads with steady defense and ...gasp... "slam dunks."

"The NBA is all clicks & whistles and "too Hip Hop" for me" dude:

Go read this website and get back to me. Second, far too many people who make this argument are from Sh*tstanio, Yourstatesucksyouredneck for me to actually care, but for the sake of this entry, eat a d*ck and never cite the Palace, Ron Artest or anything else when complaining about the NBA. You don't get it, please stop reading my entries.

So get ready for the NBA season, everybody. Oh and by the way, yes, the Bulls embarrassed the Milwaukee Bucks and former Chicago Bulls head coach/ruiner of young NBAers, Scott Skiles in their season opener.

*Okay, maybe 2nd to the all-consuming, all-seeing beast that is the entity, NFL.