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Bears Thu Aug 27 2009

Footballic Ramblings' A-Z NFL 2009 Primer

The home for spurious gridiron scuttlebutt and uninformed opinion returns! This week, the Ramblings discusses some alphabetical themes and concepts the casual fan should become familiar with prior to the NFL kicking off on Thursday, September 10: Tennessee v Pittsburgh.

A: As in "At long last our nationwide nightmare of no-NFL-on-TV is nearly at end!" Alternately, Detroit Lions fan may think: "Alas, our region-wide nightmare of losing many a NFL game is nigh!"

B: As in (and with the "Mile-High Showdown" approaching) "Boy, the Bears offense blitzkrieged the Broncos' baffled and bleary-eyed secondary all game long." Alternately, B is for Sabbath, Black as in the legendarily hard rocking Brits who composed this NFL audiofuel:

I dare you to listen to "Paranoid" while watching a game and not wanna hit something.

C: As in "Can Cutler cut the mustard?" Comparatively speaking (and by comparatively we mean by looking back at who the Bears had behind center for the past decade): YES! JayBot 5000 seems to be working through the mainframe glitches and targeting ticks that befall any programmed and artillery-capable cyborg.

D: As in "Damn! Can the Bears put the soap opera, training camp dramz on the backburner in time for the regular season?" A huge question mark throughout camp has been the ongoing "fussin' an' afightin' from an intra-squad standpoint." Lovie, better get his dogs on a few leashes and teach them to play nice with each other, not-so-much the opposition, natch!

E: As in "Every second and every yard counts!" Alternately, Elam, Jason as in the kicker who daggered the Bears with a game-winning FG as time expired. Bears fans need not the reminder but here it is anyway:

F: As in, "Joe Flacco of Baltimore is going to need some receivers to step up if he's got a chance at matching his rookie success from 2008." Alternately, "Matt Forte of da Bears will have to gel with his new left tackle, Orlando Pace, to exceed his tall expectations for 2009."

G: As in, "Gimme a break from the fantasy football talk. Look, I love the fantasy leagues as much as the next guy, team name: Nixon Loved Football; but c'mon, watch the games for your team's sake not for fantasy points." Alternately, "G is for Gould, Robbie, Chicago's most...ahem..."legit" offensive threat maybe taking a supplementary role thanks to the arrival of Cutler and the continued growth of Forte."

H: As in, "Holy BALLS! The past two Super Bowls have been compelling and rock-tacular games from start to finish. Here's hoping to another great one at the end of this season."

I: As in, "There's no "I" in team but there is a "me" in team and Buffalo Bills fans will be learning that the hard way with the perma-malcontent wideout called "Terrell Owens."

J: As in, "Jacksonville hosted a Super Bowl four years ago and the Jaguars franchise could now be potentially moving in the not-too-distant future? Time will tell." Alternately, "Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, as in the clamor for Chicago's newest gridiron messiah is getting jet engine loud."

K: As in, "Kicker Kidding Around." Pittsburgh's kicker, Jeff Reed, and head coach, Mike Tomlin, pulled a totally not funny joke on the team last week. Not cool, dude. Not cool.

L: As in, "Losing is for Lions." I kid, I kid, but seriously, the Lions of Motown haven't been competitive or even relevant since the Clinton administration.

M: As in, "Monday Night Football is sooo 20th-century; Sunday Night Football is the new hotness and NBC is raking in the money." Alternately, "John Madden will be absent from NBC's broadcast booth upon retiring after last February's Super Bowl. I pour my 40 ouncer to you, you rambling and ginormous god of football; surely, you've forgotten more than the Internet will ever know of your beloved football."

N: As in, "Now let's get ready to ruuuuummmmbbllle!!! The NFL needs to be here now! Like, Yesterday if possible, kthxbai!"

O: As in, "Is oversized and outstanding offensive lineman, Orlando Pace, out of gas or does he have some left for the Bears offense to ride on?"

P: As in, "Patriots, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia are all preseason potentials for the Super Bowl. Puh-leeze, we all know that it's gonna be Cleveland versus Seattle." [Editor's Note: WTF? Cleveland v Seattle? You're high!]

Q: As in, "Quiet! I'm trying really hard to think of something for "Q" besides a player named Quentin or Quincy..."

R: As in, "Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, continued his King Midas routine this offseason by signing defensive juggernaut, Albert Haynesworth for a bling-worthy contract. The one problem? Instead of turning stuff to gold, Snyder just turns stuff into losses. Zing!"

S: As in, "Sooooooooo bored with Brett Favre." Alternately, "I'll be relishing the Schaudenfreude of watching Brett Favre get taken out by a "clean" tackle in the first quarter of the NFL season. See: Brady, Tom, last season."

T: As in, "Tampa Bay is totally rebuilding after kicking head coach Jon Gruden to the curb last season and watching defensive coordinator/ninja guru pack up shop and move to the University of Tennessee."

U: As in, "Underdogs are so rad. The underrated this year include: the Houston Texans, New York Jets, Oakland Raiders, Seattle Seahawks and Carolina Panthers. The unsung can undo the unsuspecting. Boom! Poetry Explosion!"

V: As in, "Violence, glorious, violence returns to the gridiron! Huzzah for vicious tackles, concussive hits and the visceral thrill I get from watching defenses like Baltimore and Pittsburgh as they declare jihad on opposing offenses."

W: As in, "Win and all is forgiven." Seriously, the "rift" growing in Minnesota's locker room over Favre will sooo be forgiven and forgotten if that hayseed wins some games. Ugh.

X: As in, "X's and O's, yo! Learn your teams offensive schemes and defensive match-ups. Women will swoon, men will respect you."

Y: As in, "YAY! The NFL is totally almost here!"

Z: As in, "That zebra totally jobbed us with that BS pass-interference call."

The season is long and I hope you're ready and blood-rage, zombie-in-front-of-a-plate-of-brains excited for it!

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