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Friday, September 24

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Bears Fri Oct 30 2009

Footballic Ramblings: Trick Or Treat Edition

Happy Halloweekend to all of you out in Internetvania. Your hometown Chicago Bears are clashing with the laughingstock of the AFC North, the Cleveland Browns on Sunday. And I just wanted to get a few things out of the way before we dive into the Footballic Ramblings "Trick or Treats" report. First off: The Browns run defense is absolutely awful, if the Bears (I'm looking at you: Forte!) can't get their ground game going this week cross yourself, fans, cuz the rest of the season's gonna be bumpy. Secondly: The Browns passing defense isn't much better than their run defense, so expect Jay-Bot 5000 and his motley crew of receivers to pick apart the Browns and find the endzone . . . mmm, let's say . . . 2 times? Derek Anderson is the starting "quarterback" for the Browns and the Browns passing game is averaging 143.6 yards per game and has already given up 18!!! sacks this season. So yeah, Bears have no excuses in not dismembering the living dead that collectively the Browns are, on Dia de Los Muertos!

Onward to Tricks and Treats of the NFL season thus far!


Tennessee Titans

  • Wow! Spooky, eerie things are occurring in Nashville, how else do you explain a team that went 13-3 last season stumbling to an 0-6 start and the promotion of that wacky Vince Young to starting QB? No matter the cause or reason (let's face it, the Titans weren't going to win 13 games this year, but this?) an 0-6 start and an absolutely atrocious defense is a trick for fans and haters alike.

TRICKS! cont.

Trick Plays

  • Trick plays and plays that have risen from the dark, bizarre corners of the NFL universe are a staple of the regular season. What ghoulishly clever plays have occurred thus far? Not too many, sadly. However, the Patriots in their abject demolition of the Titans a few weeks back did proffer this nifty flea-flicker for your viewing pleasure (right around the 35 second mark):

Meanwhile, the still undefeated Denver Broncos had their season get off to a great (if very lucky) start in their last-second, Week One victory of the Cincinnati Bengals:

Jake Delhomme

  • "A duck walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, we don't serve ducks here." The duck gets hit with an errant Jake Delhomme pass." Seriously, Delhomme needs to cuddle up with a Snuggie and watch his DVD collection of "Friends" or something, cuz what he's doing right now is setting the evolution of pro football back a good decade or so...Truly cringe worthy scenes of brutality that probably wouldn't even be allowed in the latest installment of the Saw movies.

Daniel Snyder

  • You sir, are worse than Hitler. You're an utter douche that's so full of himself that you won't allow your ticket-buying, hard-earned money-spending fans the right to wear the shirts they want or bring the signs they want into FedEx Field. Please, do humanity a favor, and make like the chick from "Drag Me To Hell." You're a jerk and I wish all of the worst things to happen to you.


The New Orleans Saints

  • A high-flying offense with a knockout defense to boot! Watching Drew Brees laser, loft, toss, lob and dagger his way thru opposing defenses has been a Kit-Kat, Butterfinger, Candy Corn, Baby Ruth bonanza in your pillow case of football candy (no pennies, suh-weet!)

Andre Johnson

  • You god! You high-flying, mortality-defying god of the gridiron! Please keep catching receptions at a sick pace and embarrassing cornerbacks and their defensive coaches at will, sir! Oh and as for that lung contusion that had you coughing up blood on the field last weekend? A well-played Halloween gag, that's the only logical conclusion considering you're listed as "probable" for Sunday. Bravo.

Awesomeness of NFL Fans

  • I deal with a ton of Packers and Vikings fans in my day-to-day activities and nothing, short of maybe the Super Bowl, is more entertaining than watching these fans when their teams collide. It may be heretical in the Second City, but Vikes vs Pack is the most intense rivalry in the NFL. Honestly, I can't wait for Brett Favre jokes to start up!

Hoping everyone has an awesome Halloween, remember, you've got an extra hour of bar time on Saturday night, so get out there and get your drink on and find a sexy [insert-costume-of your choosing] to go home with. Check here for the whole breakdown of televised NFL games.

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