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Bulls Wed Feb 24 2010

As The Bulls Turn: Zombies & Bulls Live Forever Edition

Seemingly every single season the Bulls appear to be the lifeless husk of a NBA franchise. Staggering through the early parts of the NBA season --the losses accumulating-- like a stiff and reanimated corpse out of a Romero script. Yet, here we are past the All-Star Break and the Bulls are right where they wanna be: methodically pursuing (comfortably in 6th place in the Eastern Conference) a wounded and desperate heroine who's down to her last few bullets (the Boston Celtics, who currently would be Chicago's opponent in the 'Offs). Granted, there's no Derrick Rose shuffling about clamoring for "BrrraAINS" in the original "Night of the Living Dead" but that doesn't make the Bulls turnaround any less spectacular (and, honestly, it makes this team waaay less creepy).

As frustratingly dumb and talentless as the Bulls do manage to look at times, much like zombies; the Bulls have found a way, much like zombies, to keep on going and keep on nomming down on those tasty brains (wins) from the swifter, smarter and deliciously fleshy bodies of better NBA teams.

Granted, the Bulls do not shy away, much like zombies, from scavenging off the wounded and soon-to-be-dead, but not yet living dead, of the NBA. "Hey, you gonna eat that leftover Philadelphia team, no? Pass 'dem brains over hyah, pardner." You can almost hear the dinner bell ringing at the United Center when these teams stroll on in like so many foolish humans seeking sanctuary at the mall in "Dawn of the Dead." To the surprise (and disgust) of the zombie Bulls occasionally a squad (much like those silly humans) refuse to go down without a fight.

Take the team's most recent win over the Indiana Pacers. By many, many measures this Pacers team is blobfish ugly; and a quick glance at the score on might tell you, "Sweet, brah, Bulls win again! UP TOP!" Yet, you're reading about the Zombie Bulls and you know better than to trust that score. The Pacers stormed back (like so many determined and heavily armed humans against zombies in the motion pictures) from a huge, early deficit and nearly took the lead. Yet! the Zombie Bulls refused to lose. [They say "Maintain the Brain" in huddles but it's the same gist -Ed.] The Pacers were shooting 3s (powerful humans with guns) at a ridiculous pace 44.8% and only missed two free throws all game. But you know what? Those darn Zombie Bulls were hungrier (for brains?) and shooting even better from the field. Peep the gooey and delicious details of the box score for a minute and relish in the fact that many a Bull feasted heartily on the corpse of the Pacers. Derrick Rose? The Jedi Zombie, dropped a near triple-double; Luol Deng, an adorable 31 points, 4 blocks, 3 dimes and 9 boards for the Zombie Deng; Baby Zombie Bull, Taj Gibson, copped some brizains with a tasty double-double of 14 points and 11 rebounds.

The Bulls after the "Sacramento Meltdown" and with a dead man (zombie?) walking coach (Vinny) are clawing out from underneath the rubble of the house that was blown up (by the pesky human heroes) to try and destroy the Zombie Bulls. What the protagonists and the NBA are forgetting is that for all of the havoc wrought upon them the Zombie Bulls are still staggering onward, craving only brains and not about to tell you how to kill them.

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