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« Fury Wallop Manic Attackers, XX Roll Over Hell's Belles Ready or Not, Here Comes the Chicago Outfit »

Bulls Wed Apr 14 2010

As The Bulls Turn: It's an Opera BUT With Soap!

Congrats, Bulls & Bulls fans. Your team, through the general awfulness of the lower tier teams in the Eastern Conference and fortuitously timed injuries, has qualified for the playoffs. Your just rewards? Some just losses at the hands of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Throughout the injuries to Joakim Noah, Derrick Rose, Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich, everyone else; throughout the comically awkward "firing" of Vinny Del Negro that never occurred; throughout the pathetic, telenovela-drafted dramz going on with John Paxson and VDN right now; the Bulls have steadily, well, tried not to lose too many games. But that fun, that ends now. The Cavs should steamroll Chicago with a storm trooper's proficiency; Vinny will get canned; Paxson will go on some meds and the Bulls PR machine will do its best best to coax and convince a Bosh, or Wade, or whomever over in the free agency gold rush this offseason. Let's breakdown this coming Playoff demolition:

Cavs vs Bulls: Guards

Hey, the only category where the Bulls sorta match up (granted, not well, but better than the other match ups). Derrick Rose will literally have to average a triple-double this series for Chicago to stand a chance. That won't happen, but Derrick can get hot and Mo Williams/Delonte West, well, they're not exactly "lock-down" defenders, than again, the Cavs play psychotically good team defense and have enough length to alter/intimidate shots from Rose and Hinrich.

Kirk has been shooting very well lately and if he and Rose can get hot in a game (like they did on Tuesday against Boston) I see Chicago staying close for three quarters. Honestly, I do not see it being closer than that. This series should be a sweep. Cleveland is that good.

Cavs vs Bulls: Forwards

Cleveland has Antawn Jamison, JJ Hickson, Anderson Varejao, Anthony Parker, Jamario Moon and Leon Powe. These people are all very good at defense. They will antagonize and neutralize the Bulls "big three" of Joakim, Luol and Taj Gibson. "But Joakim is such a high-energy scrapper, he'll grab every board," lament the Bulls fans. Nonsense. Varejao and Hickson will be clawing, challenging and flopping at Noah's every turn and move for that same leather, pebbly-skinned orange ball. Oh, the Cavs also have a player named LeBron James. He's the best basketball player on the face of the planet. He won the MVP last year, he's winning it this year. He gets to the rim, makes the basket, nabs an "and 1" gets your team's best defenders in foul trouble. Plus, by the way, he's a very good (not great) defender who'll blanket Luol Deng with size, speed and straight strength.

Cavs vs Bulls: Centers

The Cavs have Shaquille O'Neal and Zydrunus Ilgauskus, and can easily slide Hickson and/or Varejao into the 5 spot when necessary. The Bulls have Brad Miller's gimpy knees, three point attempts and Noah's defense but utter inability to score in the paint.

Cavs vs Bulls: Intangibles

The Bulls head coach got physically shoved by upper management control freak, John Paxson. Cleveland's coach Mike Brown is one of the better defensive coaches and offensively can just say "LeBron, drive and then kick it out to Mo, Delonte, Antawn -you pick, dude- and have them drill a three pointer." The Bulls are happy to be back to the playoffs for the second straight year. Cleveland is hungry for blood and rings.


Calm, cool logic dictates that this should be a four game sweep. I'm giving the Bulls one game. The Cavs are very good and should be very focused, maybe they'll catch LeBron sleeping or daydreaming about his next contract and they sneak a game at the UC. Still, quod erat demonstrandum means the Bulls will be sheep at the altar of LeBron. Sorry, Bulls fans, it was a nice season.

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