The Turncoat Thu Jun 03 2010

Shopping for Dad

By Rick Abplanalp

Father's Day is right around the corner. I hope to use this holiest of days to back my father a little bit since I broke his heart by rooting for his sworn enemies. It has been over two months since I have declared myself a Sox fan, and the poor man, clearly deserving of a better son, is still having a hard time dealing with it. The best way to get back in his good graces, of course, is to show him I still hope the Cubs make him happy somehow, some way. I would like to buy him a gift, or a few gifts, that would demonstrate my appreciation for the fact that he is still a Cubs fan.

There is however quite a lot of sports memorabilia out there. While I have found some nice gift possibilities, there is a great deal of useless crap to sort through. Obviously, the more popular the team, the more ostentatious and outlandish the wares will be. So given that the Cubs not only have a massive, nationwide fan base, but also a patently naive one, the amount of Cubs swap meet material no human should ever purchase under any circumstances is pretty staggering. But sort through them I did. Here is a list of items so terrible, I imagine they would only make my father hate me even more.

1) The Cubs Forest Face: ( $19.49) Do you live in one of the few isolated areas in the United States in which there are no other Cubs fans for you to talk to and you desperately need a friend? Is this place also a forest? Do you like zombies? Purchase this lovely visage and slap it on your nearest tree and you'll have an unblinking, cadaver-like companion to shoot the breeze and sip Old Style with. For druid Cubs fans everywhere, the waxen lips and nose accompany a hairy set of piercing eyes that are sure to keep away all children under the age of nine. Turn any tree into a nightmarish undead baseball fan with this fine piece of sports memorabilia, and you'll never have to worry about anyone on your block ever talking to you again. The durable weather-resistant resin promises that your tree pal will outlive even the Cubs inability to make it to the World Series. Terrible nightmares guaranteed.

2) Chicago Cubs Baker & Prior Forever Collectibles ($32.57) Who can forget the unbeatable duo of the manager who forgot he had a bullpen and his glass-boned ace? That's right, now you can commemorate 2003's horrific choke session with the two men who immediately jump to mind at the phrase, "five outs to go," Dusty Baker and Mark Prior. Dusty Baker appears to have lost some weight and grown a Lando Calrissian style mustache when posing for this limited edition, hand painted keepsake. Clearly it is the ninth inning as he has finally decided to manage the game, now most likely way out of hand, and he has crawled out of the dugout to discuss inevitably grave circumstances with his bewildered starter. It is unclear if Prior's arm is detachable to simulate life-like injury. If for some reason you are feeling nostalgic for 2006, a Juan Pierre Cubs bobble head is also inexplicably available. I guess they're out of bobble-headed Todd Hollandsworths.

3) Cubs 44" Animated Lawn Ornament ($91.84) Warning! Only FIVE left! That's right, act now or fail to be the only one on the Northside without this poorly drawn, nondescript Cubs player lowering your property value! It lights up so you can make your neighbors hate your garish tastes 24 hours a day! Animatronic arms simulate baseball-like movement. His cheerful disposition belies the fact that his team has yet to take a series from the Pirates this year - the perfect Cubs fan.

4) Chicago Cubs Headrest Cover ($15.45) If you're like me, you spend a lot of time driving around people with hygiene so poor, it's impossible to actually let them come in contact with anything you own. If you're also the kind of person who feels anxiety anytime the Cubs logo is not in your immediate field of vision and you need to see it everywhere you look, this is the superfluous furniture garment you have been looking for. Keep your car seat head rests free of hair product and your life free from anyone ever questioning which baseball team you're obsessed with to the point of mental illness by purchasing the Chicago Cubs Headrest Covers. Perfect for air travel!

5) Cubs 24kt Gold and Infield Dirt Coin Set ($99.95) Gold coins. Dirt. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. Having one without the other is a concept so disparaging it would bring tears to the face of even Joseph Stalin. The only thing better than coins and regular dirt of course, is coins and magic dirt, but where on Earth can you get that? Combining the mystic soil of the gods with gilded currency has been the dreams of kings for centuries, but where can one possibly go to find such wizardry? I will tell you, stupid - the infield of Wrigley Field! At long last your coins will no longer be filled with the dirt of the common man. For just a hair less than $100, you can own a cherry wood box with a coin made of soil inside. Magic soil. Display anywhere that best showcases your inability to know the value of real money.

6) Chicago Cubs Twister ($29.99) Want to play Twister? Want to play so bad you'll pay twice as much for the privilege? The Chicago Cubs Twister is the game for you. You can bring back all the fun of childhood with this poorly drawn rendering of Wrigley Field and multicolored Cubs logos. Turn your next frat party into Budweiser-soaked reverie while you clumsily use this child's game to hit on inebriated trixies.

7) Cubs Monopoly ($34.99) Another in the line of regular games made better and twice as expensive by way of Cubs merchandising. With Cubs Monopoly, you can make terrible front office decisions of your own! Get the deed to Gregg Maddux and set it on fire! Splurge all your winnings on the Alfonso Soriano deed and watch as it does nothing of value for you. Spend a century going around and around and around the board making tons of money but never actually winning anything.