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Cubs Tue Apr 03 2012
Cubs Opponents Offer Must-See TV
Despite the Cubs lineup being void of anything more than mediocre talent, good baseball can be seen at Wrigley Field via the variety of opponents that come to town. The organization has even acknowledged that fact as recently as last year by promoting opposing players on billboards around the city.
In homage to that marketing effort, I've made it a habit to wait on getting tickets to Cubs games until a few days before the game in an attempt to snipe starting pitchers that are intriguing in some way. But depending on the person, the word intriguing can have a wide variety of definitions.
To help you decide which opposing hurler is best for you to go see, I've compiled a list of TV shows and compared them to a starting pitcher the Cubs might face on the North Side this year (along with the dates the opponent is in town).
If you like "The Wire," then you'll want to see...
Justin Verlander, Detroit Tigers (June 12-14) - There's a high probability you're going to see brilliance every time out from last year's reigning AL Cy Young and MVP award winner, just like in the hit HBO drama that is regarded as one of the best TV series of all time. Both are loaded with bullets.
If you like "Jersey Shore," then you'll want to see...
Josh Beckett, Boston Red Sox (June 15-17) - He's a supremely talented pitcher, but has days where the manager has to make an early trip to the mound to ask him what the hell he's doing. He also isn't opposed to being three sheets to the wind on his days off. Sound familiar? Now all Beckett has to do is start eating fried chicken for Sunday dinner, and he'll have an off-season reality TV gig.
If you like "Eastbound & Down," then you'll want to see...
Chris Carpenter, St. Louis Cardinals (April 24-25, July 27-29, Sept. 21-23) - If you plan on watching Carpenter pitch on TV, then it should be after the kids go to bed. Like his cohort Kenny Powers, his program contains strong language and erratic behavior. Viewer discretion is advised.
If you like "Real Housewives of Orange County," then you'll want to see...
Carlos Zambrano, Miami Marlins (July 17-19) - If you like crazy, there's nobody better to go see pitch, because on any given day, you might see this, this, or this. Combine him with Ozzie Guillen, and the only place you'll find more drama is on Tuesdays at 7pm on Bravo. And just like his blond counterparts, Zambrano is an insane guy with a lot of money and far too much time on his hands.
If you like "The Big Bang Theory," then you'll want to see...
Roy (Doc) Halladay, Philadelphia Phillies (May 16-17) - For a 30-minute sitcom to continuously dominate the ratings, it has to be keep mixing things up while maintaining incredible efficiency. That's Doc Halladay in a nutshell - beating his opponents with the consistency of an expert video gamer. He is also known for having strict pregame and off-day routines, just like Sheldon Cooper.
If you like "The Golden Girls," then you'll want to see...
Jamie Moyer, Colorado Rockies (Aug. 24-26) - I'm not kidding when I say the TV show and the player debuted less than eight months apart more than 25 years ago. Despite missing the entire 2011 season after blowing out his elbow, which is amazing considering he topped out at just over 80mph in his last MLB appearance, Moyer won a starting gig a mile above sea-level. He may look more like Sophia than a baseball player, but he still chugs along like the great re-run on Lifetime.
