Blackhawks Tue May 14 2013

Hawks v. Wings And Why Detroit Sucks

By Jim Crago

With the seventh-seeded Detroit Red Wings taking out the Anaheim Ducks in Game 7 Sunday evening, the Hawks will now take on their most hated rival in the second round of the playoffs. After the Hawks dismantled the Wild in five, there was nothing left to do except to rest and wait to see who they would play.

After the San Jose Sharks swept the once-mighty Vancouver Canucks, the formula became simple: if Anaheim wins, the opponent would be the Sharks; if Detroit wins, the battle of I-94 would be set. There's no doubt Hawks fans, the NHL, and NBC were hoping for Hawks v. Wings, and now it's a reality.

Of course the Hawks players and coaching staff are approaching this series as though the Wings were a number-one seed themselves, which is what you want to hear. But in the end, there's only one thing Hawks fans need to concern themselves with in regards to this series: Red Wings fans.

Let's face it; it really doesn't get much worse than being around a Detroit Red Wings fan. Sure, Cardinals fans can be pretty annoying, especially with their high and mighty, above-it-all demeanor. Not to mention, they drink swill like Budweiser and cheered for a succubus of a manager for 16 seasons. But I've always felt a little jealous of the redbirds, only because of having past players like Stan the Man and The Wizard of Oz.

And, yeah, there are our friends to the north from Green Bay, who, through some evil contract with the league and Satan himself, are required to have at least one fan in every stadium wearing that Godforsaken cheese hat. Seriously, these fans are everywhere. Try to watch a game on Sunday -- any game -- and not spot a Packers fan in the stands. It's eerie and creepy. But Vince Lombardi was a legendary coach, and they did dump Brett Favre like a bad habit, which was fun to watch.

There is not one redeeming quality about being a Red Wings fan. They have their 11 Stanley Cups and they aren't afraid to remind anyone of this feat. They overtake every bar whenever there's a Wings game in this city and they never seem to have to get up to use the restroom. It's uncanny.

What's worse is having to sit next to a Wings fan at the United Center. You're there with you friends, wearing your Toews jersey, getting ready to cheer on your team and hopefully hear a little "Chelsea Dagger." As you approach your row and count off your seat number -- a ticket which you spent top-dollar for, mind you -- you look up and find a pack of scrawny 30-somethings wearing their Yzerman jerseys. So much for having fun sitting next to these clowns, especially after dropping a cool $200 for the ticket.

And while I understand that Red Wings fans have a lot on their plate for which to worry (having to tell people you're from Detroit is punishment enough), it still doesn't excuse the fact that even a one-game victory in this upcoming best-of-seven series will make any transplant from the 313 as insufferable as listening to anything by Eminem. (I don't know the 8 Mile, I've never been to the 8 Mile, and I don't care to hear anything ever again about the 8 Mile for as long as I live.)

The Hawks are expecting Dave Bolland and Ray Emery back from their respective injuries by Game 1, and while each of these games might be close in score, the Hawks still should win the series pretty handily. Both teams play a similar style of puck control, but the Hawks have way too much fire power for Detroit to keep up. In the end, only the Hawks will beat themselves to give Babcock's Bunch a chance.

This will mark the last time these two teams will meet in a Western-Conference playoff, and, in fact, the only time these two will ever meet in the postseason after this match-up will be for the Stanley Cup. Kind of cool for the whole "Original Six" thing, but kind of lame for the whole "the tide has turned and the Hawks are owning the Wings these days after years of suffering and crapitude" thing.

Either way, it should be a fun series, if only for the simple fact that the Hawks will win in five to advance to the Western Conference finals. Until then, it's time to eat some barbequed octopus, remind our friends that Kiss and Ted Nugent are part of the reason fans cheer "Detroit sucks," and allow for the Wings to make late-May tee times.