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TODAY

Wednesday, July 17

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Airbags

When you pile a disappointing municipal election on contentious international and domestic affairs, you're gonna get pissed off, cry or give up. Or maybe you'll get your mock on.

This got me to thinking about a column I wrote a couple of years ago about a bunch of GOP gadabouts lookin' for love on RepublicanPeopleMeet.com. This site features some very red-state dudes honestly searching for love and letting their freak flags fly. And I totally made fun of them. Which kind of makes me feel bad because I really hope these guys find a nice lady to love them. Preferably hot liberal gals who will change their minds about national health care and abstinence-only education.

But I don't feel so bad that I won't do it again! I've picked out 10 more Republicans you should meet. And to make your hunting easier, I've developed a handy ratings scale: zero to five handguns, five going to only the most fetching bachelors. Live free or die!

Bachelor #1

Pa-pow! I kicks it off right with this gentleman from Arizona. He's balls-out, kids, with his horse and his gun and his get-up. But you read this former Army paratrooper's profile and he's totally in on the joke, stating that he was "born too late." I kind of love that pluck. I give him three handguns out of a scale of five.

Bachelor #2

You know how you score a lot of play on RepublicanPeopleMeet? You put up a scowly passport photo of you wearing a turban. And yeah, yeah, your profile says that you're a Sikh and that Sikhs are cool and all, but still! A photo like that is not going to bring in the booty by the truckload, dig? I give him half a handgun for his ill-conceived honesty.

Bachelor #3

Yeah. Um. Yeah. That's enough, sir. And no, sir, I don't "need any sauce for my fish." Thank you very much. Gross. No handguns.

Bachelor #4

You know how you always need different types of friends who bring out different sides of your personality? Here's the guy to fill your "elderly Asian bagpiper" niche. So to speak. Plus, this guy has the best personal ad non sequitur that I've ever read: " Why yes, I play the bagpipes. Bake better chocolate chip cookies." Huh? Four handguns!

Bachelor #5

This gentleman claims that this photo was taken at some Halloween party. Whatever. This Texan sure is helping keep Austin weird. And he totally looks like Rufus from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure." I give him three handguns. San Dimas High School Football RULES!

Bachelor #6

The first time I saw this gentleman's photo, I thought, "Oh, he looks like a young Clint Black. This must be the cover of his freshman country music effort." But then I got to the ad. Seems like Clint here is closing in on the discovery of a $30 billion gold cache in some mine and would like your assistance. He considers himself stunning. Oh, he's a stunner, all right. Five handguns!

Bachelor #7

Pussy. No handguns for you.

Bachelor #8

This guy is totally adorable. I can imagine him as a CPA or behind the counter of a collectibles shop. Something precise. He looks like that type of guy that would be good to someone's divorced mom. And then I read the profile. While a rant about illegal immigration may not turn me on, maybe that's the Republican equivalent of hipsters on nerve.com talking about John Irving and The Arcade Fire. And lots of Reagan references don't hurt either. Xenophobia deserves no handguns, but his honesty earns him one.

Bachelor #9

So, how old would you say this fella is? Maybe 47-ish? 52? Nope, 61. It's the Grecian Formula. It's like he scanned in a headshot that he had taken during the Poughkeepsie Community Theatre production of "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." You know what he really needs to rock that pleather Members Only jacket? A paisley ascot. FIVE HANDGUNS!

Bachelor #10

This museum-phobic sexagenarian is looking for someone who is fun in the sack. Fine. But he reminds me of a certain gentleman who shall remain nameless whose idea of a date is a cruise through the Costco for some free samples and then it's back to his house for some Riunite Lambrusco. After a handsy back rub, you finally give in and then he's punting you into a cab. You didn't like anything going on at the MCA either, did you, Julio????? He gets zero handguns!

You might be wondering, "Hey, Shylo! What about the crop of previous bachelors? Yeah, I checked in on them. Remember the wild-haired guitarzan guy? Still there. Or the shotgun-holding David Cross lookalike? Still there. Weird guy holding a plaster angel? Still. There. While I'm sitting here mocking these Republican dudes, a lot of my single liberal girlfriends are decrying the lack of good men out there. I say try RepublicanPeopleMeet. You might not be Ann Coulter (and I might not have to kill you), but you can still score with the right.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett is a good, nice and kind lady. She has five nice cats and makes lots of cookies. She has been involved with Gapers Block since its birth.

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