Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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All this Republican National Convention talk of the "war on terrorism" takes me back to those days just after 9/11. Remember those helpful words of our President who advised us to go out and spend, spend, spend, lest the terrorists win? And oh, did we!

We are a spending people, yes. But we're also the country of "Let's Make a Deal" and Wal-Mart. We like deals, plain and simple. And the classifieds has 'em in no short supply.

Have you ever noticed, though, that there's a lot of loss behind classifieds, especially things for sale? Why do people choose to part with the things they once loved? For cash, to move on, to move period.

Craig's List and the Chicago Reader offer us some choice goods this week. I'm sure one of you is going to walk away from this column with some lovely parting gifts.

sybian sex machine - $900

for sale:
almost new sybian sex machine with 3 attachments.
check out for pictures and description.
works amazingly well. female climax is a certainty.
purchased for wife / got divorced.
(Craig's List)

Yes, this is a real ad, but sadly, it's just a plant to get you to go to But for just a moment, didn't you think this was from Jack Ryan? Because I sure did! And I'm sure there's a comic geek-cum-scientist that was rubbing his hands together whilst planning exactly how to clone Seven of Nine from Sybian "residue."

16 VHS: Sleepless in Seattle to Meet the Parents - $12

My VHS collection is yours to own. 16 VHS all work perfectly and are in their original boxes (with the exception of Meet the Parents which is in a blockbuster box). Interested? Email me, we'll work out the details.

The Perfect Storm
So I Married an Axe Murderer
As Good as it Gets
Sleepless in Seattle
Meet the Parents
Hope FLoats
Pretty Woman (10th Annivarsary Edition)
Anywhere but here
Green Card
Talented Mr Ripley
What WOmen Want
Sister Act
A League of their Own
Cant Hardly Wait

(Craig's List)

Jesus Christ. What I'm thinking happened here is that Miss Lonely Heart finally found a beau. And perhaps she finally feels comfortable enough to let her guard down and say goodbye to all the things she associates with loneliness. Let's hope it works out for her because I've seen most of these romantic comedies and if she has to go track down another copy of Overboard, I'm afraid it might set her over the edge.

FRANKLIN MINT CAT plates by Bill Bell, limited edition, in package: Easter Parade, Halloween Scaredy Cats, Thanksgiving, Purrfect Feast, Christmas Santa Claws. $75 firm. 773-555-1212.
(Chicago Reader)

Again, Jesus Christ. Did Jean Teasdale, cat-loving Onion columnist, die and leave hubby Rick to sort out her affairs? Oh, put your wallet away. You don't really need another Santa Claws plate do you? Why not save up for that Kitty O'Kittykins' Leprechaun Pub plate? Goes great with chintz!

MOVING OVERSEAS. ALL furniture and appliances must go! Available: full size mattress, couch, TVs, desk, dressers, bikes and more. Great condition, great prices. Call 312-555-1212.
(Chicago Reader)

"Moving overseas" sounds a lot better than "going to jail," doesn't it? Help a guy out with some cigs money, okay?

FULL MOUNT AFRICAN bonte bok almost extinct antelope family mounted on a fake boulder. $2500. 773-555-1212.
(Chicago Reader)

Actually, the bontebok is not almost extinct. But that's not really the point here. Why would you stuff a genuine bontebok, yet mount it on a fake boulder? I figure if you're going to put something like this in your front room, best make it permanent. Well, unless you wanted to drag it from room to room, chatting with it, like it was your old college chum Geoffrey. Good boy, Geoffrey. Hold that pose.

Next Week: I'll chat with a young fellow hiring himself out as a wedding drunk. Line up the shots, buds, there's an interview a-cookin'.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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