Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Tuesday, April 16

Gapers Block

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You may have notice (Crap, I hope you noticed) that Public Notice has been on hiatus for the past month. The reason? Your columnist's poor little hands have been in intense pain as a result of a weird nerve problem. Wah-wah. Anyway, it's getting better, so I've returned to the land of Classifieds.

I hadn't read Craig's List since I put my column on hold. But this week, I did. Guess what? It's still the same! There's something to be said for the little things you can always count on.

But due to my little paw problems, my eye was drawn to a new area on Craig: Services, Therapeutic. If you wade through all the massage shit, there's fucking gold there.

You are invited to visit SACRED FIRE tours and retreats!

This August is your opportunity to experience a truly profound BUTTERFLY RETREAT experience in magical Brazil. Imagine 8-days in the expansiveness of northeastern Brazil, exploring within a "cocoon" of community that will faciliate [sic] your commitment to super-charged ideals and radical life changes.

Following the BUTTERFLY RETREAT will be 7-days of cultural celebration in Salvador da Bahia, Brazil, and Rio de Janeiro.

This promises to be a profound experience for all who hop aboard the magic carpet!

Registration is due by April 20, and space is filling up.

Details, dates, prices are at

Awaiting your presence in Brazil with much soul-full anticipation!

Crap. I actually thought that the BUTTERFLY RETREAT was going to be a totally awesome experience where you lay down on white linen sheets in a beautiful field and butterflies come and flap all around you. And they take your ailment to heaven on their healing wings. But no—it's a metaphor. Whatever.

Affordable COLONICS: Coupon Inside
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Partners in Wellness is now offering colonics 7 days a week. Please take advantage of this coupon for a discounted colonic withour newest therapist, who is now doing colonics on Sundays. OPEN EASTER SUNDAY.

* Our gift to you: Print out a copy of this email and pay only $55 on a colonic with Kristin on Sundays.
(Offer is valid from March 1st to April 1st of 2005. Limit: one per person.) for an appointment call 773.555-5555.

For more information about our center, colonics or Alyce M. Sorokie, author of GUTWISDOM: UNDERSTANDING AND IMPROVING YOUR DIGESTIVE HEALTH, please visit our website at:

Wishing you happiness and good health!

Partners in Wellness

This is what the Easter Bunny brings adults—coupons for discount colonics! Thanks, Easter Bunny.

You know what another example of "gutwisdom" is? Here's a little story I heard this week. A guy gets arrested for a DUI and realizes he has a hash pipe in his pocket, and there's no way to get rid of it before the cops take him to booking. So he sticks it up his ass. And it sits there for 16 hours until he finally got to call a friend the next town over to come get him.

Nice, right?

Chicago Tantra Workshop coming May 6,7,8
Chicago Tantra Workshop coming May 6,7,8.
Learn how to open to greater physical and sensual pleasure and discover the path of ecstatic enlightenment. Discover how tantric practices can heal your body, open your heart and expand your spirit into states of unity and bliss.

Intro Friday night open to all 7-10pm.
Intensive weekend Sat 10-10, Sun 10-5. $250
Contact Amber at 773 555-5555 for info.

Three days of being wide-open to physical pleasure? I can see how that would be appealing, but wouldn't your hips start to cramp up?

And I'm just letting my mind wander here, but when they talk about unity, will the disembodied head of Rainbow PUSH coalition leader Jesse Jackson floating above me, singing the theme from "Shaft," ballad-style?

Divine-Guided Healer and Animal Communicator
Divine-Guided healing, hypnotherapy and counseling with Kelly Fetherling. Sliding scale fees available. Certified Healer, Animal Communication, and Afterlife Conduit services offered. Please email or call directly to (312) 555-5555. Where love and spirit may find their place in your heart.

I knew some people who took their pets to an animal communicator. They wanted to know why one cat humped their bed and why the others fought all the time. They found out that they don't like to be left alone and that, by the way, the cats "really like the pink meat," or salmon, that the owners leave out from time to time.

I think I have a pretty good feeling about what our cats would say. Natasha would bitch about how we don't refill her smack chew-toy with catnip nearly as often as she'd like and how she hates it when anyone sits in that one chair. Princess would ask if I could not make her dance to the music in that one Target commercial, and could I stop calling her stupid? Because she's working on a hairball, and she's sitting on my coat.

I'm so glad to be back.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett loves ironing, baking and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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