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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Tuesday, February 27

Gapers Block

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kelly / February 20, 2008 12:39 PM

NOTHING is really going down on your permanent record.

CVAL / February 20, 2008 12:48 PM

Don't take her to the prom. And don't even think about dropping out of college. You'll live to regret getting your undergrad in your 40's!!!!!!!!!

Jasmine / February 20, 2008 1:00 PM

1. You're not fat.
2. Your hair looks fine.
3. Don't take calculus if you don't want to.
4. For your 17th birthday, when Kim offers you a choice between tickets to see "Angels In America" or a sleepover, go for the play.
5. Don't afraid to ask for help, even if you think your chemistry teacher is scary.

Kevin / February 20, 2008 1:03 PM

Buy Apple Stock!

apcap / February 20, 2008 1:04 PM

-you're not in love
-most people get into college, so do about 1 homework assignment a week and have fun the rest of that time.

vcb / February 20, 2008 1:05 PM

Go to Northwestern instead.

TorTor / February 20, 2008 1:12 PM

- eat. you're not fat, and you're just screwing up your metabolism
-have fun, don't major in dance, you'll blow out your knee anyway
-travel your freaking a** off, study abroad, take your time
-do NOT graduate early, from high school OR college
-don't date that kid senior year

Brandy / February 20, 2008 1:25 PM

Keep doing what you're doing. You will get out of your father's house and out of this small-minded suburb. Things will be great for you. Breathe.

printdude / February 20, 2008 1:33 PM

find something you love, and become the best you can at it. Then you will never actually have to "work" the rest of you life.

lmy / February 20, 2008 1:36 PM

don't be afraid to study abroad in college - scott is going to dump you senior year anyway.
wait to move to chicago with terra & heather. it'll be a $4000 mistake living with dave.
don't get back together with the ex. he's only going to leave you two more times. at least the first time you knew it was him and not you.
you're great. be yourself and everything will fall into place.

Eamon / February 20, 2008 1:42 PM

I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to screw anything up.

Bernie Brewer / February 20, 2008 1:45 PM

You might not like it now but trust me, you're going to LOVE beer in a few years. Cheers!

Val / February 20, 2008 1:52 PM

No, that mushroom hairdo is not cool.

Do not go stargazing with your boyfriend. Your brother will find you and he will threaten with lost appendages and subsequently make your boyfriend's life a living hell.

Val / February 20, 2008 1:56 PM

No, that mushroom hairdo is not cool.

Do not go stargazing with your boyfriend. Your brother will find you and he will threaten with lost appendages and subsequently make your boyfriend's life a living hell.

Bilbo / February 20, 2008 2:01 PM

Figure out what you want to do earlier in life otherwise you'll be stuck at some crappy office job.

unmikely / February 20, 2008 2:24 PM

Don't start smoking -- it's not cool.

Don't lose your Garry Davis "eyeball" skateboard -- in 20 years it'll be priceless.

Stop being such a wimp and just ask Kristen Bender out.

jennifer / February 20, 2008 2:32 PM

you really must believe that it isn't your fault.

breathe deeply, smile, and don't worry about being perfect.

don't worry about not fitting in with the upperclassmen. you'll find your niche in a bigger pond.

(I need to remind my 27-year-old self of half of these things each day.)

N / February 20, 2008 2:32 PM

Tell B you like him! If you don't ask him out now, you'll end up friends for life, but you'll always wonder what would have happened if...(and find out in 10 years, when he's engaged to someone else, that he liked you then, too, but he was too intimidated to act on it.)

Also - if you don't take that advice, in two years - yes, you are right - don't sleep with M - in fact, he's so not worth the heartache to come, break up with him already. He is not all that he seems.

peanut / February 20, 2008 2:34 PM

DO NOT LOSE IT TO THE GUITAR PLAYER. He's kind of a scumbag. Your ideas about sex will warp towards the impulsive and careless for years to come.

Don't worry, someone else will eventually want to sleep with you.

Dave! / February 20, 2008 2:36 PM

I'd give him a list of all the people who've told me, "Oh, I had such a crush on you in high school."

If I'd known *then*... :)

peanut / February 20, 2008 2:36 PM

Oh yeah, and take guitar lessons! Don't quit--by the time you're 32 you'll be the female Jimmy Page.

JAH / February 20, 2008 2:41 PM

Life's short, so stop wasting so much time, dumbass!

David / February 20, 2008 2:48 PM

Secret: College ain't that important, so don't stress. In fact, just take the money, go to the state school, and save the rest. Northwestern isn't all it's cracked up to be.

If you're beating your head against the wall, the wall won't lose; you will.

Oh, and there are LOTS of different people in the world. Just because you were friends with the Jewish guy and the black girl in your graduating class, doesn't make you cosmopolitan.

misterShankly / February 20, 2008 2:50 PM

1. do not sell your childhood toy collection at a garage sale to pay for a car stereo.
2. chin up, kiddo... skinny and smart will eventually get you action.
3. put 20 bucks in savings every week.

corinna / February 20, 2008 2:55 PM

I felt cooler and more confident at 15 than I do now. She should give me advice.

Spook / February 20, 2008 2:58 PM

I'd say yo Spook!
Get freaky with the girl next door this hot June day and for the whole month!

You know she's more than game because by the time you're finally ready to make your scared pathetic little move; you will walk out of your front door and see their stuff (belonging to her crack head mother and two brothers Joevell and Danvell) out on the street after being evicted.

But what ever you do, no "home plate" because if you get her pregnant your life is OVER grasshopper!

zoenotcool / February 20, 2008 3:02 PM

You are not responsible for other people. Guilty feelings and worrying are not helping anyone, especially you.

No one is judging you as harshly as you think they are (and if they are, so what?)

Slow down and try to remember this time.

It's OK that you don't have the most expensive, trendiest clothing, etc.

Be a little less gullible, but still curious and trusting (how to do this? heck if I know)

Don't talk yourself out of sticking with things, even if they are hard (music, foreign languages).
Be fearless!

Write! Keep writing!
Sing and keep singing!

Everyone is special, but no one is that important.

Get your teaching degree/certificate. You won't regret it later.

Dance more.

Be direct and honest as much as possible.

You don't need to put on a show and make people laugh constantly. Yes, they really will like you anyway.

Dye your hair unusual colors and wear whatever you want before you have to conform to the work world's ideas of what you should look like (and while you still have the bod for it)

Take every opportunity to travel.

Save money! Don't get any of those department store credit cards.

cliff on rosedale / February 20, 2008 3:10 PM

1. Keep believing that this small GA town needs to be in your rearview mirror.

2. Life never, ever works out like you planned. Have a contingency.

3. Find out all you can about your mom and write it down. She won't be around forever.

4. Keep exercising. You look good now, but you'll meet up with Beer. And Beer will win...

Batgirl / February 20, 2008 3:11 PM

Go to college out of state - out of the Midwest even. Take the opportunity to live in another part of the country.

Caffeine Free / February 20, 2008 3:39 PM

1) Date many
2) Don't get hung up on that one guy
3) Plan on studying abroad
4) Don't take up smoking
5) Practice sports more, try a little harder
6) Embrace being 125 pounds
7) Be nice to everyone, seek out the truly cool people
8) Be kinder to your family
9) Wax those eyebrows
10) Don't cry so much

billy / February 20, 2008 3:45 PM

you've always known you were amazingly gifted in ways that most people don't understand. don't waste your 20's trying to cover that up with partying, booze and hanging out with people who not only don't understand you - but don't even have the ability to operate on a level that you do.

you'll end up giving it all up as you hit 30.

ahn / February 20, 2008 3:51 PM

you're not fat. get over it and ask people out, seriously.

be careful what you say on the internet, it will never go away. seriously, the web is going to become this huge thing and sure, usenet will die but google lives on and your last name is really uncommon.

live life, don't obsess over it

Steven / February 20, 2008 3:55 PM

Nothing. You only have to tell your 15-year-old self something if you have regrets and I have none.

bryan / February 20, 2008 4:10 PM

Don't trust Lee Fenwick to buy your Police tickets.

Stay in Pittsburgh one day longer and see the Smiths, it'll be the last chance you'll get.

No long-term repercussions will follow if you blow off class to drive to Cincinnati to see Big Black.

Go ahead and blow off your first night at your college newspaper to see the Replacements, everyone else will, too.

Don't bother with Lollapallooza.

Give up on skateboarding, you're not going to get any better.

Don't feel bad about not getting a moped for your birthday, when you're 38, you'll have a garage full of Vespas.

Beerzie Boy / February 20, 2008 4:28 PM

The blond gymnast that you stayed up all night talking with? Yes, she wanted to sleep with you.


Nuxrs / February 20, 2008 4:29 PM

Stop reading the Wheel of Time: Robert Jordan will die before he finishes it.

matt / February 20, 2008 4:39 PM

1. All of the grandiose ideas you have for moving away, becoming an writer, and living in the middle of nowhere will manifest themselves as a wife, a good job, and a home you own. You are happier with that.

2. No one outside of your immediate group of friends will remember anything you did, but your friends will remember forever.

3. Put that cigarette down... it will haunt you later.

4. Music is not a waste of time, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise... I refer you to the future wife, job, and home for evidence.

5. Don't be such an asshole to your parents. You'll understand each other better when you're older, and you will live in fear that your kid will be the asshole to you that you were to them.

6. The people who tell you that these are the best years of your life are full of crap. It gets soooo much better.

skee bop / February 20, 2008 4:44 PM

Don't worry about not dating any cute guys right now because by the time your in your early twenties you will have been loved by some seriously awesome men (and they have all been hot too!).

Miss that train on July 5, 2002. Fly instead.

Also, figure out how you lose all that weight when your 18. It's a mystery to us now and it's all come back.

Learn a skill and major in something less theoretical.

michele / February 20, 2008 4:47 PM

When you get to college, stay away from guys named Scott.

Appreciate Mom and Dad, they are awesome.


Study abroad a semester

Don't start smoking

Save your money

Do not go out that night with Julie and Sally, he's smoking hot hut will wreck your self-esteem

Don't worry so much about what you want to be when you grow up, you'll end up in a job you love

Date geeks

wackpuma / February 20, 2008 4:50 PM

Getting enough sleep for the PSAT the next morning is NOT more important than taking the hottest chick in the school to your junior prom.

Ah yeah, and also when you see that '79 firebird for 2 grand, please go ahead and buy it this time.

Daniel Holter / February 20, 2008 4:52 PM

@ Matt

totally agreed on your #6.

as for me :

You are being fed lie after lie when it comes to religion. Think for yourself. Ask more questions.

Staying up until the wee hours of the morning is a but a prelude.

Getting grief for staying up until the wee hours is but a prelude.

Joyriding the D.C. Metro during the nat'l youth conference just might come back to haunt you... again... and again...

Practice your piano lessons. All the time.

Taking up guitar would be a good idea, too.

Drums are fine, but it's difficult to write a hummable song on drumkit.

Dan / February 20, 2008 5:03 PM

Date more, have sex.
Stop being afraid of girls.

Mikey / February 20, 2008 5:12 PM

1. You might want to actually consider showing up for classes in college and doing more than just the bare minimum to get by. More doors will open for you after graduation, you'll learn more, and you'll still have plenty of time to get drunk, smoke weed and chase girls. Trust me...

2. Don't even think about taking up smoking. Ass.

3. Start contributing to your 401(k) as soon as you land your first real job--don't wait until your mid-thirties...

4. In 1991 when a college friend offers you a free ticket to see Red Hot Chili Peppers, Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam all in one incredible evening right before they make it big, take him up on it. The college bar you decide to hang out at instead will still be there tomorrow...

5. For that matter, don't wait too long to catch a Nirvana concert either. You'll see...

6. How about a career in writing? Or teaching? You're not going to be wealthy anyway, so do something you actually enjoy...

7. In 1995 DO NOT borrow that case file from the courthouse and bring it back to the office. I don't care if your future employer says it's no big deal--she's wrong!

p / February 20, 2008 5:18 PM

u can get a fake id over on 26th & kedzie buddy. don't let your redheaded friend use it tho, he looks nothing like you and he'll get it taken.

Never settle, never quit, always challenge yourself to do better.

Go for yours young souljah, play chess not checkers and never be scared to stand alone.

start a band.

kate / February 20, 2008 5:27 PM

I'd tell my 15 year-old self that I was a silly, mischievous kid and to keep it the hell up.

And also to save old zines. I'm glad I hung onto all the old show flyers, but I really wish I had some ooold zines to flip through.

Jibbles McPhee / February 20, 2008 6:23 PM

move to california after high school and get residency. then get a degree in art and comp sci at a state school.

get into buddhism RIGHT NOW

Leelah / February 20, 2008 6:24 PM

Hey, Mikey, I booked that Red Hot Chili Peppers/Smashing Pumpkins/Pearl Jam show at Northern!

As for the 15 year old me, it would have to be: don't shave the side of your head. Asymmetrical haircuts with perms are a very bad idea.

sam b / February 20, 2008 6:39 PM

take the blue pill. red pill = overrated.

YAJ / February 20, 2008 7:28 PM

Friggin relax! Everything is really going to get much better once you move to the city.

Yeah, your mom is kinda crazy, but you'll still turn out ok.

You look fine, and everyone else is worried about how weird they look too.

And trust me, it all gets a lot, lot better. You're going to have blast, I promise.

PMan / February 20, 2008 7:32 PM

Get over your shyness around girls; if you can talk to them for more than 10 minutes, they will start to like you.

When you get to college, get your ass to every class, take notes and don't party every night of the week.

Nixon / February 20, 2008 7:44 PM

Destroy thoes fucking tapes!!!!!!

class of 93 / February 20, 2008 7:57 PM

be nicer to your parents.

don't start smoking.

wash your goddamn face.

she's better for you as a girl friend than as a girlfriend.

eat actual lunches, not a cherry coke and a package of shitty cookies or cherry candies out of the vending machine.

Mo / February 20, 2008 8:17 PM

In a couple of years when you think you're going crazy, you kind of are. Go on meds. You can stop taking them later.

Have a lot of sex. You'll be way fatter when you're 30.

m / February 20, 2008 8:28 PM

dont let your mom bully you. even though she loves you, she doesnt always know whats best.

start thinking about ANYTHING to study in college. it will be better than that liberal arts business degree that is completely useless to you since you will grow to hate all things business/finance before you even graduate college.

also, there are few things that are set in stone. if you want to change something, just do it.

cb / February 20, 2008 9:03 PM

1. Get mom to stop drinking NOW or you're going to lose her.

2. Don't waste your time with that guy you're going to meet soon or you're going to waste far too many years with him.

3. Don't bother going into the Marine Corps. You're going to blow your knee out and they're going to screw you.

4. Forget about being a police officer. You sing better than you realize, and if you start now you might make something of it.

5. Finish college, study abroad, get out of Jersey and stay out!

6. Reach out to P. If he doesn't get a lot of help he's going to take his own life.

7. Don't start smoking! Stop drinking so damn much Pepsi!

charlie / February 20, 2008 10:03 PM

Loose the Puka shells and feathered hair...........

Mikey / February 20, 2008 11:52 PM


Small world, that's awesome! Wish I would have had a clue. Worst part is I think I went to The Jungle that night instead...

mike-ts / February 20, 2008 11:53 PM

Don't freak on losing a good deal of your hair already when you're 18. Having hair over your ears and on your forehead will be out of style right after you graduate. Shave your head and be ahead of the curve - the comb-over is worthless. Peter Garrett is coming along and making it cool for white guys who aren't racist skinheads to go sans hair. Added bonus - doing it now while your parents are still alive will make them soil their pants.

Go to your 10th year reunion and have the fun of seeing these pompous fools who think the sun rises and sets on them have the same adolescent fights when they're 28, and you're the only adult in the room. And you can laugh at the former hotties who are already getting "smile lines" from all that sun baking.

r / February 21, 2008 1:27 AM

Matt Nelson is a creepy dude who will become a kitchen manager at a chain restaurant in rural Colorad0. You needn't put his creepy self on a pedestal.

Guy Parsons / February 21, 2008 3:43 AM

You know, as I learn about stuff, I realise it's the kind of stuff that people have been trying to tell me all along.

You know. "You're overthinking it." "Get out there!" etc, etc.

So whatever I tell my fifteen year old self, he just won't understand where I'm coming from. The messages just sound like flat, trite truisms. And to get to the place I'm coming from... he has to make all the same sod-ups I did.

Poor dude.

andreas / February 21, 2008 6:01 AM

don't go into politics. means you won't be screwed, and you won't have to leave!

JD / February 21, 2008 7:32 AM

1) Get a camera
2) Your friends that think your cool for drinking and doing too many drugs will be dead or in jail soon.
3) Dont date sluts
4) Learn to cook
5) Your best girl friend will be your worst girlfriend

steven / February 21, 2008 7:46 AM

Go away to school. Take the tests, save your money and send out those applications!

Oh, and don't wait around in relationships that aren't going to get any better. Trust your gut and get the hell out.

d / February 21, 2008 7:50 AM're actually a lot cooler in high school than you think...

C T / February 21, 2008 8:37 AM

It's not WHAT you know, it's WHO you know ... and how well you relate to them.

mateus / February 21, 2008 8:39 AM

I am pretty happy with my life. I guess I would tell myself not to waste time with serious girlfriends for the next five years and just fuck as many girls as possible so that when you run into them later in life, you don't wonder, "Why didn't I sleep with her?"

I am a pig, I know. But girls are no better. Just better at hiding it.

Boomer / February 21, 2008 9:06 AM

1. Keep up with technology. Once you drop out to be Mr. Natural it's hard to jump back in.
2. Being a renaissance man is a good thing- just not very marketable. Specialize in something.
3. DON'T SELL THE LES PAUL. It'll be woth more than you can imagine.

bobbi / February 21, 2008 9:09 AM

stop wearing overalls.

Whoah / February 21, 2008 9:41 AM

1. You are not too poor to apply for the Peace Corps.

2. Save your little bits of money and travel outside the country.

3. Don't commit to a boyfriend and especially don't move in with one! Good god y'all... if only.

4. Don't climb that fucking apple tree!

Sol / February 21, 2008 10:03 AM

Don't listen to your mother - you're not fat.

Don't listen to Jamila - you're not going to hell.

Start saving money now for grad school.

Stop with the drama geekiness - you can't act. Learn to play an instrument instead.

Man up and take more classes at MIT - don't let that F you're going to get in CS111 freak you out.

Be nicer to your dad when you get back from Singapore.

Spend some quality time with Oma when you take her back to Germany since you're never going to see her again.

Kevin / February 21, 2008 10:12 AM

Start doing yoga. Go to college, even if it's a crummy one. Everything else, just sort of keep doing what you're doing.

Also, quit worrying so much about stupid shit. You'll know when it's important enough to freak out about.

JohnnyQ / February 21, 2008 10:12 AM

Tell her she is so purty.
Don't go to Lima, Peru.

More: humping, flossing, sunscreen, studying, weed

Less: rum, procrastination, complacency

Also, tell Ralph Nader how the dominoes will fall.

becca / February 21, 2008 10:15 AM

Dare to defy your parents.
Hang out with the fun, bad kids.
Make more art.
Write more.
Get the hell out of Wisconsin!

Luke / February 21, 2008 10:27 AM

mikey: was that peppers/pumpkins/pearl jam show at Illinois State? I was there. If it's any consolation, the pumpkins sucked major ass, but the peppers and pearl jam were amazing. Ah, junior year...great memory!

K. / February 21, 2008 10:31 AM

1.) Save your summer job money, fool!
2.) Get rid of that relaxer, it's fucking up your hair.
3.) Go to that Alice in Chains show, you'll never get to see them live otherwise.
4.)That guy in AP science thinks you're cute, dumbass.
5.) You will become an awesome adult. Trust me.

Mikey / February 21, 2008 10:38 AM


N0, it was at NIU--"Leelah" (see above) booked it. Of course, I've seen all three bands multiple times since over the years, but never sharing the same stage on the same night, and never in a smaller venue such as that a college show...

Mucky Fingers / February 21, 2008 12:02 PM

1. Go with George to Alpine Valley and see Guns 'N Roses.

2. One day you'll meet a woman named Sher. Take advantage of all she's offering. She's looking for a good time, not a boyfriend.

3. You only need three chords to write a decent song. Every composition doesn't have to rival the Beatles.

4. Don't smoke cigarettes.

5. Never believe anything a girl says. They say things just to throw you off.

6. College is a waste of time.

7. All those girls do want you. You're too focused on that guitar, which is why they all want you.

allan / February 21, 2008 1:07 PM

You will never feel like you belong so get used to it know and learn not to give a fuck.

Stop carrying what people say about you. People all talk shit even about their so called friends.

Your dad is not going to be around for most of your life and then he will die in California but you won't know for a few years

And that girl you think you love, you really don't and she doesn't love you. The reason she is into you is complicated but eventually she will leave you.

julie / February 21, 2008 1:29 PM

Never start smoking, even though you think you can quit, you will still be doing it 15 years later.
Double major as an undergrad so you have a career to fall back on.
Don't be scared to try new things. Boys aren't the center of the world. Make sure you're happy.

annie / February 21, 2008 1:46 PM

Don't start smoking. (still smoke today, I actually started when I was 15, I'm 32, so sad.) And for God's sake take some time to enjoy being a teenager instead of working all the time (got first job at 13 b/c I actually had to help support my family) b/c you will be working for the rest of your damn life. And don't get married until you are 30! B/c no matter what you think, you will not know what you want until you are 30.

Kate / February 21, 2008 1:55 PM

Not every guy will leave you for your best friend. Just most of them.

kate / February 21, 2008 2:04 PM

-don't smoke
-the sex thing is complicated -- from my current perspective i say 'have more!' but when i really think about it, the sex i had in high school kind of fucked me up. so... dont do things you dont want to, but also dont take sex so seriously. have fun!
-dont worry so much about what other people think, dont lie to seem cool
-its better to not have friends than to be friends with people you dont like. youll meet tons more people in college.

George McFly / February 21, 2008 2:18 PM

Don't be so nervous about spying on Leah Thompson from the tree across the street. Keep doing it, creepo, because it'll in a weird way get you in her pants.

Also, start writing science fiction.

PJ / February 21, 2008 2:40 PM

1. Study abroad for the full year when you're a senior in college. It will save you a ton of baggage, which you'll have to deal with for years to come.

2. When you're 24, dont start smoking just because it will get you extra alone time with your ex, who you'll never get back with anyway.

3. Pay your bills on time, dumbass.

4. DO NOT take the job your dad gets you after college. Even though you say you'll move on to something else, you wont.

M.M. / February 21, 2008 2:42 PM

Stop Lying. It's not you're fault, and he wasn't the one who really needed your friendship.

Eric / February 21, 2008 4:13 PM

Take a deep breath and quiet your mind. There's nothing wrong with you. And don't be so worried about what other people think of you. Think about you YOU want now. And now. And now. Don't put it off.

karen / February 21, 2008 4:26 PM

tell ryan to kiss your ass. pronto.

bOOty / February 21, 2008 4:27 PM

1. Exercise and cut your stupid hair.
2. The girls like you, but you do too many drugs
3. Get a job
4. Do Jenny, shes cute now, but she'll be HOT as hell in like three years. (also, she wont tell everyone youre gay for denying her)
5. Dont ever try bourbon
6. Dont ever try acid
7. Bongs are for home use, not for driving around in a Dodge Caravan.
8. Go to more raves, they wont be around for long
9. Take your meds, dont sell them to under achievers (such as yourself)
10. Ryans a dick, hes going to bone your favorite girlfriend days after you make it official

My "teens" SUCKED. If I could, I would start all over again in 5th grade.

vanessa / February 21, 2008 5:25 PM

-You have great friends that will be with you for years.
-Be comfortable in your own skin.

vanessa / February 21, 2008 5:25 PM

-You have great friends that will be with you for years.
-Be comfortable in your own skin.

John / February 21, 2008 5:45 PM

You suck, and at 40, you still suck. Don't worry though, you've grown to very much enjoy the suckitude that is yourself.

timoni / February 21, 2008 6:26 PM

You think you want to be a writer, but you actually want to be a graphic designer. I know you've never heard of it, but trust me: it's the one thing you won't ever get bored of. Also, you don't know this, but you're not a bad artist, so drop out of band and take art classes.

Also, don't go to bible college, for god's sake. Take a year off and then go to school in New York.

Samuel Johnson / February 21, 2008 8:40 PM

Beware of habits.

whoops there it was..a.k.a. "skaless in Seattle" / February 21, 2008 10:32 PM

never and I mean NEVER love anyone more than yourself...
always be your own best friend because when everyone else is are all you have...

w / February 21, 2008 10:45 PM

Go to North Iraq and take out some individuals when you turn 18.

And yeah, buy Apple stock. Thanks Kevin.

Baldeesh / February 21, 2008 10:46 PM

It's going to get much worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

High school is going to suck, but life after high school is a thousand percent better.

Guys who want to spend lots of money on you are pure evil.

Avon Barksdale / February 22, 2008 12:34 AM

String was right.
Fuck them corners,
fuck this beef'n
and fuck this war!

D / February 22, 2008 2:36 AM

I know it's really hard, but stop making decisions based on your current crush.

Don't spend your graduation money on an iPod.

If you think you maybe should leave him, LEAVE HIM.

You want to be a librarian. No, really.

Get a puppy.

If you drop out of college, you drop off mom and dad's health insurance too.

Megan / February 22, 2008 2:53 AM

1. Be impulsive, take more risks.

2. Your 'best friend' Liz is not your friend. Get as far away from her as you can.

3. Don't listen to vague assurances from your parents that you can be whatever you want to be. Decide what you want to do in life, make a plan on how to get there and follow it. That passive shit will not get you as far as you will later realize you want to go.

4. Study German, you're gong to be living over there some day and you'll be grateful for the good grammar.

5. Don't be so shy, go dancing.

Gato / February 22, 2008 5:05 AM

Read everything you're assigned in college lit. classes.

Do your Spanish homework. When you graduate, move over there as soon as you can. Your true love lives north of the city- find him. He's just as lonely as you are.

Jon / February 22, 2008 6:48 AM

1- Failing Classes is not cool, you figure that out by college, but if you do it now, you'll get to go to a good one.
2- Drugs are cool, people who do them aren't. Take them, its great for you, skip the Acid, drop the loser friends.
3- Relationships aren't for you. Fly to Vegas, lose your virginity (trust me, it'll be far better than what you end up with otherwise) Buy a sex doll and forget the real girls. You'll save yourself time, money and tears.
4- Don't come back from Australia. Do not leave Melbourne. Take the job, forget Uni and your family, they figure it out without you.
5- Travel to Europe alone. You'll be scared to go alone, but it'll be way better than taking someone with.
6- You will meet a girl named Jessica. Do not talk to her, ever.

just a guy in the midwest / February 22, 2008 7:27 AM

1. keep a journal, every day. you WILL forget.
2. Spanish, not French.
3. make art. don't wait.

philly dave / February 22, 2008 8:27 AM

1. your mother died 3 years ago -- owe up that you hated her, and you will free your mind.

2. demand to be put into college prep, it will make University SO much easier and you need to do it because your father is a numb-nuts and doesn't understand how it works.

3. drop German and switch to Italian or Latin. Rome is a wonderful place.

4. beg, borrow, & save to buy that 10-speed. you love to ride & no one will shell out the bucks for it but you.

5. the young women you feel good & comfortable with are the people to ask for a date.

e / February 22, 2008 10:55 AM

Don't do drugs. . . I know I sound like Nancy Regan over here, but trust me smoking that much weed in high school doesn't lead to great things. Just stick to alcohol.

Also cut that pony tail you damn hippie!

Carlotta / February 22, 2008 10:59 AM

--Chuck "The Little Prince" and its philosophy of "You are responsible for what you have tamed." You never become happy by focusing on other's happiness because they'll never be thinking about yours.

-- Keep a list of all your work accomplishments, no matter how small, so you have things to put down on your resume, talk up in job interviews, etc.

-- Follow your bliss.

-- It's not what you know, it's who you know. Learn to network.

thirdwave / February 22, 2008 11:23 AM

There's something happening just outside the suburbs called riot grrl. Check it out. You'd probably be a hell of a lot happier than you were through the rest of high school.

S. Bartman / February 22, 2008 2:00 PM

In about 20 years, you will be at a Cubs game.

A foul ball will be hit your way.

Stay back!!!

Don't go for the foul ball!!

Jill A-chicago / February 22, 2008 2:18 PM

"Dont worry about your loser neighbor Sara and the shit she says behind your back. You'll move to Chicago, graduate from college and work for one of the top companies inthe world (Google). However, she will drop out of state college due to stealing a credit card, continue to live at home, work in retail and have a myspace profile where she refers to herself as sweet tits"

Sara / February 22, 2008 2:29 PM

1. Don't lose it to a guy who prides himself on his nickname "Snake".
2. Seriously, you could have bigger problems than a group of inbreds saying you're the biggest bitch at a school you hate.
3. Even though you hate your hometown, it's still your hometown - when you go to college you should still visit home once in a while.
4. Learn to laugh at yourself, and learn to not look stressed out.
5. Pace yourself.

CMcC / February 22, 2008 2:35 PM

- one day, you'll be cool.

- trust your instincts. things that don't feel right, usually aren't.

- go live with aunt jean on the south side.

- get in therapy. it's not normal to be this angry.

- don't depend on mom and dad. they are assholes and they use money to control you.

- stop going to catholic school. transfer to whitney young.

- Katie's sick. It's not her fault. She needs help.

- good job with the writing. keep it up.

- Don't feel bad about your nerdy extracurriculars. Being an award winning debater IS cool!

- be good to your sisters. you all need each other.

susannah / February 22, 2008 4:20 PM

I would tell her just you wait: you're gonna write a book about the awkward teenage years and it's gonna be awesome.

If there was some, like, time-warp/dual existence thing possible? Well, naturally, I'd tell her to READ MY BOOK.

(This Will Go Down on Your Permanent Record -- Featherproof Books 08, y'all. Check it.)

I / February 22, 2008 4:33 PM

You don't love him, you don't even really think you do. If you still want to kiss him, then make it a better kiss, it will be the only one. Otherwise, be a lot more honest because it gets really complicated. He does love you and will for too long, but don't get too used to that idea. It's not a good thing. He dates your best friend. She actually loves him and it hurts her that he loved you. It hurts your friendship too.
You are about to fall in love with someone else and you should let yourself be with him. It might still end badly, but you will be happy for a while and a better adjusted person.
Things get harder, and you will wish you had taken advantage of loving someone because it doesn't happen as often as it seems.

You are smart.
You are allowed to enjoy being extroverted and flirtatious.

Ellen / February 22, 2008 8:36 PM

Do NOT believe what your mother, grandmother and sisters say about you.

You are not fat.
You are not a slob.
You are not weird.
Your thoughts are not all trite and obvious; they are original and unsually insightful! Your sisters are just jealous and scared.
You are not mentally unstable, just depressed because your family is sick and you're the only one who notices.
When your dad says something nice about you, believe him because it's true.

jen / February 22, 2008 8:56 PM

- learn another language.
- study abroad.
- play an instrument.
- learn to cook and cook well.
- get some hobbies earlier rather than later.
- save money.
- go to a cheaper college.
- get a degree in some all-encompassing major, like communications, so you can change careers if needbe.
- don't obsess over him.

(funny, i told my younger sister—12 years younger—many of these things and she actually listened.)

holden / February 22, 2008 9:12 PM

Push yourself to a higher level. You are in a very small town and need to compete with people from a bigger pool and are capable of SO much, don't hold back.

mike / February 22, 2008 10:00 PM

- pay attention to history classes
- read more
- start taking pictures NOW
- don't be afraid to go to a concert by yourself. You may get the chance to see Uncle Tupelo play to a crowd of 150 people your freshman year of college.
- live in the present

Leah / February 23, 2008 12:27 PM

I find this one really hard to answer, because I get caught up with the time space continuum. If I wrote a letter to myself, I wouldn't end up where I am now. Eeek!

Harry Roberts / February 24, 2008 5:25 AM

Wake up! You're just wasting time!

Andy / February 24, 2008 10:02 AM

You're doing things right. Don't take advice from old jaded a-holes. Drive Fast. Experiment. Burn Bridges.

vit / February 24, 2008 12:20 PM

- That whole Siouxsie Sioux look you are trying to pull off? Even though it is 1988, it still isn't as cool looking as you think it is.
- Failing honors Chemistry because you hate the teacher is a really crappy reason to fail honors Chemistry.
- You really don't want to be an artist, you just think you do.
- Your parents never went to college, what makes you think they know anything about it, get advice on how to get through it from someone else, or else you'll putz around for years and end up massively in debt.
-When you study in England, don't be afraid to ignore the weirdos you live with, and don't be afraid to travel around by yourself, you'll be fine.
-Don't take that stupid punk rock alcoholic boyfriend of yours to the south-side Irish parade, your family and friends will all think he's an idiot. And they would be right. And for God's sake, don't let him get drunk and talk to the cop.

Cheryl / February 24, 2008 2:37 PM

You're going to be a librarian when you grow up. No, really. Stop laughing, it's true.

Deardeedle / February 24, 2008 4:51 PM

Laugh more
Care less
and keep running - your thighs will thank you later.

Deardeedle / February 24, 2008 4:51 PM

Laugh more
Care less
and keep running - your thighs will thank you later.

kate / February 24, 2008 7:09 PM

Wait, really: "That whole Siouxsie Sioux look you are trying to pull off? Even though it is 1988, it still isn't as cool looking as you think it is."? Totally not true.

Andy / February 29, 2008 5:12 PM

Don't breakup with your high school sweet heart Missy once you get into college. You'll only regret it later on, once out of college!

I love you Missy... still do.

Tommy / March 11, 2008 10:21 AM

Just go ahead and do art and mech drawing. Nobody thinks you're slacking off. You'll continue to love them and get paid well for them.

Don't bother going to photography college, you'll drop out twice. Just go straight to the Art & Design college and do graphics.

Take more photos of your lifestyle.

Ask more girls out. Lots will say no but you'll increase your chances.

Don't be such a geek, don't over think everything you're saying to girls. Just be relaxed and less obscure. Make sure what you say can be responded to. Be normal!

Look harder for that Commodore 64 Programmers Guide, and get an electronics kit.

Stop watching so much television, go hang out with friends instead.

Don't show up drunk at that under-age alcohol-free disco. That apology was embarrassing.

When you hear that that hot red haired chick is into you, go for it. She ends up with the coolest guy in town.

Be nice to your girlfriends and when you break up, make it a clean break. Loose ties and bonus nights only lead to heartbreak.

Don't waste so much time trying to get freaky with C. She doesn't see you that way and you're better off to spend more time with new girls.

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