Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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Read past glory hole columns: 2004, 2005, 2006.

In recent weeks, readers have asked me, "Hey, Shylo, when's the annual glory hole column coming out?" And I've hemmed and hawed because I just haven't felt that the time's been right. I've been waiting for a sign. Well, this past week, a certain public official provided me with that sign. Soon-to-be-former-Senator Larry Craig, this 'hole column's for you.

One of the goals of this column is to start the conversation about glory holes. What are they? Why are they? But I have no practical experience to offer. I can't comment on the telling series of toe-taps and hand-waves that signal anonymous potty sex. Nor can I personally fathom the unfathomably imaginative DIY glory hole stylings popular in this year's ads.

So, with that, on with Gapers Block's Glory Hole Roundup, Volume 4: Dick In/Out of a Box.

Serve a Senator - 62
I am here to serve. Daddy-type, very clean, clean cut and professional seeking service in BDSM, raw, bb, scat, goldenshowers, glory holes (esp. in restrooms!) etc. Privately open-minded! All blacks seeking reparations and Chulos looking for trabajo WELCUM! Special discount to anyone in uniform!

And I am NOT- I REPEAT- NOT interested in anyone who is GAY. Cuz I am not and never have been and will not ever be gay!

Discretion, assured!

OK, I had to include just one of the dozens of Larry-Craig-themed faux ads that area jokesters have sprayed all over Craig's List this past week or so. However, I'd like to take a moment to discuss just how many glory hole posts seek or are manned by married dudes. A good guess would put it at around 75 percent. If you're a horny, truly straight married guy, would you ever patronize a hole — and just not ask too many questions? Or if you're going a-holing while the little lady is at home, are you just really bi or gay? Or does the label just not matter and you're simply horny, skeezy, and kidding yourself?

It makes me think of Mrs. Craig, the senator's wife, and what she's had to tell herself, deny or suppress over the past decades. I can't help but feel sorry for her.

Let's have some fireworks this morning - 30
I want to have some fourth of July explosions in my mouth this morning. Want to help? In the Uptown/Lakeview area and have a private gloryhole so I'm looking to host.

Hit me up if interested. Only have a couple hours to do this.

Thanks to the Craig's List RSS feed, I've been collecting these hole ads for some time. And one thing I truly enjoy is the cheesy holiday puns. This holer wants "explosions" in his mouth for the Glorious Fourth. Let's consider what jokes we could make for holidays such as Purim (Pur 'im? I just met 'im) or — yikes — Flag Day

GLORYHOLE for straight men - m4m - 30
Straight men who just need discrete head — Gloryhole set up here for you to blow and go — Available through July 12th, most anytime — Email me to set up a time, or if you have questions — My mouth is waiting.

See? Here's one of those "straight-guys-only" holes, which, curiously, is not a woman's bajingo but a man's maw. Yeah, sounds pretty straight to me. But I do appreciate the "blow and go" promise. For some reason, it reminds me of picking up a couple of 7-11 taquitos.

glory hole open now - 25
six two black hair brown eyes weigh one eighty.
looking to service cock through my gloryhole.
located around irving and western
please send stats and age for consideration
prefer white guys under forty.
get back to me
come by and use my talented mouth.

This was what I read at the open mic last week. Nah, not really. But I have been singing "Come by and use my talented mouth" to a Devotchka-type rhythm all month.

gloryhole head and asspussy for you - t4m - 27
i am 5'10, 145, lean, smooth, long black hair, deepthroat, swallower...and can push my asspussy up against the hole for you to nail. send stats and cock pic.

Oh, you Wadsworth Long Fellows out there! How you delight and engage with terms such as "asspussy." I surmise this poster is in advertising, as this post really personifies what makes a good ad great — intrusiveness and memorability.

It's like eating potato chips! - 39
sucking dick is like eating potato chips-- always want more than one. Gloryhole is still up and as busy as ever. ;) Walk in, unzip, stick your dick through the hole, get relief, and leave. Simple as that. And very discreet. Be under 38y/o hwp

That first line there? Dollars to donuts that's a slogan on a shirt you can get clearance at

Sunday night sucking - 30
When u get to my building, you come up to my apartment. The door is unlocked, you enter, drop your pants, stick your cock through my gloryhole and I suck you off.

No strings, no receiprocation necessary.

Looking for guys that are in good shape, clean and disease free. Hung & Ethnic a plus.

PS - it's a real gloryhole not a sheet

The P.S. here is key. Because a lot of dudes have cut holes in sheets and called them glorious. This poster calls bullshit on that crap craftsmanship and offers quality.

Glory Hole - 34
Come visit my private glory hole at my hotel.

You need to be 21-39yo only. White, black or Latin men only. If you are interested, send a picture. If I get an email with no picture attached, I will immediately delete it and you will not get a response.

Now, let me describe the photo attached to this ad: In the foreground, a moving box with a neatly cut hole; in the background, a Mac laptop showing porn. I guess this is the setup for the guy on the go. It seemed thoughtful enough, with the laptop situated for easy inspiration, hole cut at the right height. But how does this work? Do you just leave the hotel room door unlocked and hide in the box until your Romeo arrives? Is there an awkward "just a minute!" and some scurrying and then he comes in? Details, guys!

So, there you have it, readers. Another year, another glory hole roundup. For those of you keeping score, Public Notice has two of the top three results for "glory hole Chicago" and "gloryhole Chicago." We're also in the top ten for simply "glory hole."

As for Mr. Craig, I tip my hat to him for making my job a little easier and creating occasion for the mainstream media to tell the populace what a glory hole is instead of me for a change.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo is a girl who actually graduated from a decent university. Despite her prurient interests, she's actually quite a prude. And before you email her looking for glory holes, be assured, she doesn't know of any.
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